Angie Kinghorn

“Options”

“I brought you a present,” Mark says, as he sits down beside me on the sofa with a huge sheaf of papers.

“That looks delish,” I say. Then I glance at the papers and see the letterhead. My stomach twists. “Crap. Is that the new insurance stuff?”

“Yep.”

He settles in and begins to explain our options, showing me charts, numbers, options that don’t feel like choices, but prison sentences. My shoulders creep toward my ears and I twist the plush throw between my fingers, trying to block out the roar in my head.

I will not panic. I will not panic.

“So, either way, we end up paying a lot. It’s a wash, really. But if you fall in this certain zone, you’d do better to have chosen the first plan. There’s no way to predict it,” he says. His eyes have faint smudges underneath, and I feel guilty for the weight I place on him with all my medical needs.

“What about the prescription coverage? Is there anything about that?” I ask. He hands me a list of covered medications, saying, “They cover preventative medication and maintenance medications.”

And yet, none of mine are on the list. Who wants to prevent depression? Or anxiety? Or migraines? I need a Xanax, which makes me want to laugh hysterically in the true sense of the word “hysteria,” because of course, Xanax isn’t covered.

“It will be ok,” he says quietly. “We’ll have to pay a lot of money, but it will be ok.”

I take a deep breath and decide to believe him; to trust him. I’ve been doing it over ten years, and there’s no reason to stop now.

 

This post was written for Just Write. Just Write is an exercise in free writing your ordinary and extraordinary moments.

Comments

  1. I hope you get it worked out.

    We’ve had to pay for a med for one of my boys for the past few months b/c of lack of insurance and I pretty much cry every time I have to pay.

    • It’s insane, isn’t it? I suspect most of mine will be covered, just under a much higher tier. This new plan has tiered coverage for prescriptions, and the only stuff it listed was super-basic. I’ll look around, but I doubt we’ll find anything better.

      I loved our old plan.

    • It’s not fun. We’re lucky, in that this is employer provided insurance. It just stinks because we loved our old plan and this one (both options) pale in comparison.

      Thinking of you, too. And already missing your sweet face!

  4. I felt every word of this with you. I have insurance and yet I’ve been putting off a mammogram because I know that there will be some OOP and I don’t want to look at that $300 bill.

    I’m so sorry. I am, as a woman with complex migraines, anxiety/depression and high blood pressure. I need those meds (even the xanax once in a while) and I know you do too.

    sending love and good thoughts.

    • The ironic thing is how much the stress of this will affect said migraines and depression/anxiety. Insurance companies have quite the thing going.

      But yeah, there will be a lot of cash outlay. But we’ll have insurance. Just not our old plan. I probably need to stop whining and just get over it, but it’s a huge part of life for someone with chronic issues.

    • Ah! Someone else got the irony! Yay!

      We might go with the high deductible option. Between that and the premiums, it’s unbelievable how much cash that would be.

  7. That totally sucks! I hate health insurance crap. Ross signed us up for the high deductible and I am pretty sure we are screwed because we have had 3 major things already and we are just paying out of pocket. His company keeps switching insurance so this plan is going to bite us in the ass when we switch and have to start over!

    • It feels like gambling. Calculated gambling. How many medical expenses will we have by x date? If we have enough, the high deductible would be great for us. But if not, not such a fab choice. And then there’s random happenstance; one car accident (God forbid) could easily put us over the family deductible with a hospital stay.

  8. GAH. I don’t understand insurance coverage or the thought behind any of it. I had to change prescriptions from one that cost me $80 a month, to a different form that was free. I’m glad I was able to have the choice, though, because I know that you don’t. Everything will work out for you, I believe, and hopefully it will be minimal stress.

    • Some of my stuff is available in generic, but some isn’t, and that’s going to be costly. And some, like my thyroid replacement hormone, my doctor insists be brand name because of quality control issues. We’ll still have the choice, it will just cost more.

      I agree, Greta, everything will work out. It may just work out at a higher price tag than we’d ever anticipated.

  10. Angie, I imagine that any changes in insurance are difficult and stressful for you. I hope you find a good solution. Your husband sounds amazingly supportive.