Angie Kinghorn

I will try (almost) anything

Tonight Mark had a work-related function that was supposed to keep him out of the house until 9:30.

Instead, he waltzed in the door at 8:50.

And found me in dim lighting, listening to new-age yoga music, while rubbing an egg all over my body.

“Well, this is awkward,” I said.

Fortunately I’d told him about the conversation I’d had with our housekeeper last week. She’s from Ecuador, and when she took note of my latest health issue, she proclaimed that there was simply nothing for it but that I should see a witch.

“A witch?” I asked. “Seriously?”

“No, not a witch, exactly, it’s a, how you say, a witch doctor?”

“A witch doctor.”

“Yes, every village has one. They do all kinds of things with herbs and teas, and what would really help you is what they do with the egg.”

“So you mean, like a naturopath kind of thing? Or more like voodoo?”

“No, not like voodoo. They are Christian, and they pray over you. This thing with the egg – they take an egg, and they rub it all over your whole body, and they say prayers the whole time. They pray for evil spirits to leave you, for any negative energy to go away.”

“Negative energy?”

“Yes, like if someone is sending bad thoughts to you, ill wishing you. It can pull the negative energy out.”

“Like the evil eye?”

“No! Just bad energy. Negative thoughts. You should try it.”

“Yeah, well, where’s the local witch doctor? Charlotte’s a pretty big village.”

“I do not know one here. What I need to do is take you to Ecuador with me the next time I go.”

“I doubt Mark would be ok with that.”

“Well, you can do it on yourself. I do it sometimes when I am feeling low. You run the egg all over your body, and then you crack it into a glass of water. And it doesn’t look like a normal egg. It takes in all the bad things, and you can see bubbles and weird stuff in there. Try it. You will see.”

So I thought about it, told Mark about it, and asked him if he would perform this egg rite upon me. After he finished laughing his head off, he waggled his eyebrows and said he’d be happy to rub an egg all over my body. Especially if I didn’t mind ending the ritual by having said egg cracked over my head.

I declined, then turned to the internet for more information.

Come to find out, “witch doctor” isn’t exactly the right term. “Curandero” would be more accurate. And these traditional healers are the norm in certain parts of Ecuador, where they are called upon to cleanse a person of physical or spiritual illnesses. They use all manner of herbs, and yes, eggs. They’re totally legit.

I had eggs in the fridge.

And a free night.

And I will try (almost) anything once.

So I did. After letting the egg come to room temperature, I cleansed it thoroughly with a baby wipe (no sense getting salmonella during a spiritual cleansing, after all), then turned on my music and proceeded to pray and run the egg along what I thought were the acupuncture meridians of my body, concentrating hard on the points that dealt with migraines.

And then Mark walked in, just as I was entering this wonderful, meditative, trance-like state.

He stared.

“It’s not what it looks like,” I said.

“Um, well, it looks like you’re rubbing an egg all over yourself.”

“I am. But remember that thing Rosy told me about? About how this can rid you of negative energy and make you feel better? Well, that’s what I was trying to do. But you’ve totally harshed my mellow. Why are you home early?”

“We finished early.”

“Ok, well, I’m not done with this,” I gestured to the egg, “so I’m gonna need you to go upstairs for a while. I can’t mellow out and do this while you watch and laugh at me.”

So he did. And I put my yoga music back on and continued with the egg until I felt sufficiently cleansed.

Then, as Rosy directed, I cracked the egg into a glass of water. And it sure did look strange. However, the scientific part of my brain couldn’t help but remark that I don’t often crack eggs into glasses of water and that I have no idea what “normal” looks like in such a situation.

egg, diagnostic egg

The new-age-hippie part of my brain snapped a picture of the egg on my phone and texted it to Rosy. She got back to me within minutes. The news was not good.

“Would u believe me if I tell you that I was just thinking about you and the egg conversation we had-crazy uh! (Big-eyed emoticon)-do you see those little bubbles and the whites thickening that is what some believe is the bad someone is wishing you – you have to throw this one in the toilet wishing it to go away – do the same thing for two more days and you’ll see the difference in each egg.”

I showed the evidence to Mark. “You see! Someone has been ill wishing me. It’s clear from the thickening of the whites, here, and these little bubbles.”

“Or, that could be how all eggs look when you crack them into a glass of water.”

“You need to open your mind,” I said, walking to the bathroom and flushing the egg, wishing fervently for all my bad ju-ju to go down the drain with it.

“Uh-huh.”

“Well, let’s face it, you could have walked in on me doing something much worse.”

“Like what, the mailman?”

“I was going to offer to do you, but forget it.” Pause. “And by ‘do you,’ I meant do the egg thing to you.”

And so I may have figured out who is wishing me ill. It’s the guy on the other side of the bed who’s upset that he’s missing out on all the cleansing eggy ju-ju.

Or maybe not.

Comments

  1. “Harshed my mellow” had me dying.
    Also, cracked egg looks like a…. cracked egg in water.
    But hey, maybe you just needed 2 more egg thing rubbing sessions.
    Ahem.

    • Maybe I did. Maybe that’s where I went wrong. I couldn’t see wasting two more perfectly good eggs. And you do have to waste them. The (ahem) very legit sites I consulted said that *under no circumstances* were you to consume the egg after it had been used in a cleansing.

  2. And now I totally have to find a way to incorporate the phrase, “You harshed my mellow,” into my life.

    This so sounds like something I would do, and like a conversation my husband and I would have. Thanks for making me feel better about all the little quirky things I say and do and then wonder how weird I am. :)

  3. Oh Angie, hysterical! I think I’d rather be caught doing the mailman. I’d probably hear less about it. I’m totally going to crack an egg in water.

    • I don’t know…I think this is gonna come up in conversation for quite some time.

      If you crack an egg in water, PLEASE send me a picture for comparison. It’ll be totally scientific.

  4. Love this post! And I hope you feel better soon.

    You know, if rubbing an egg over your body helps, then do it, even if it’s (only) comfort.

  6. I’m seeing this happening, in my head, and it’s hysterical. I can just imagine the texts back and forth. Oh my word. But, maybe it will help? Stranger things have happened. :)

    • The whole time, part of my head was thinking, “I hope this doesn’t end up like some weird Tom Hanks movie where she’s performing a spell she doesn’t realize she’s doing and she’ll wake up in another body or something….”

  8. This is so awesome for so many reasons. I can’t even begin to tell you. Even better because at first I thought you mean you were rubbing the egg insides all of you, and then I realized you meant an uncracked egg. Even better.

    (I would totally try this too.)

    • A cracked egg would have elevated this to a whole new level. Please try it, Robin, and tell me how it goes!

    • Do it! Just make sure you take a picture of the egg so I can see how my ju-ju looks compared to yours.

    • If you try it, I have an update from Rosy. You must use brown eggs. And you may destroy the magic by cleaning the egg with the baby wipe, but I’m willing to take the risk. (She says eggs fresh from the chicken are best, but who are we kidding?)

  13. I do believe in this as well … my mother in law is from mexico and its there belief it cleanses your body . I have cracked many eggs in water specially cold water I use cold water cause in hot ill cook so my mother in law told me to use cold water. If u crack an egg and do it careful not getting the glass full of egg … why would the egg be on the sides of the glass or when u crack an egg to cook why would it have a white thick bubble …??? I believe in the egg cleansing .

  14. I’m an American from Ecuadorian decent and visiting Ecuador every summer eventual got me very ill one year..this egg thing was done to me and i was like brand new again. I started to believe in it and would see this being performed on many relatives and even back here in the states to other Americans that don’t believe in it. Well didn’t they second guess this? lol This egg cleanse works for anything… toddlers with terrible tantrums, aches/pains, negative energy, bad luck, fevers, sickness, and yes the evil eye…when someone does stare at you and unintentionaly causing your body harm. This happened to my 2 year old cousin…She’s so adorable and who get a lot of stares and got her in a random sick/feverish state. The egg cleanse helped! I’m 26 and i have a 5 year old son in which i do it to as well and a boyfriend that stresses out so much that needs convincing that this works. Men tend to refuse believing in things like this but its ok. They need to see to believe. Sorry for the ramble. I hope you and your family take advantage of the helpfulness of this process.

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