It turns out you can take a lot of parenting lessons from the financial world. Fiscal responsibility is a model for child discipline. The parallels are creepily accurate.
You want to buy something? You can pay for it now and pay what it costs. Or you can charge it and pay for it later. Depending on how much later you decide to pay, you’ll end up paying a lot more than what you owed in the first place.
Interest is a bitch.
You want to build something with your money? Put in the work now and start saving. Don’t get everything you want the minute you want it. Delayed gratification results in a bigger payout in the end. If you put your money in the market, put it in for the long haul, knowing there will be ups and downs (and risks), but in the end, it will likely be worth it.
In our culture of instant gratification, this approach isn’t mainstream. We want it all and we want it now. Who wants to stay in the starter home for 10+ years when you can get a low-interest mortgage on a McMansion like all your friends have? Why would you want to save when you could be using your paycheck to decorate? What point is there in driving the same car you had in college when you can get a new Lexus with such a low monthly payment?
Perhaps the most valuable parenting advice I’ve ever heard was from an experienced mother who was addressing our Sunday school’s group of young moms. We were talking about discipline, and she said, “Basically, it all boils down to this: you can pay now or pay later.”
It sounds so simple.
And it’s anything but.
We’ve grown up watching paying later become more and more en vogue. Look at the national debt, individual credit card debt, grace periods on car loans and furniture. The idea of having to wait for a payoff is abhorrent to most of us.
It shows in our parenting, too. Paying now when it comes to raising your child is inconvenient. It means that if your kid pitches a fit while you’re out running errands, you have to make good on that threat to go home and put them in time out, even if it means you don’t get to finish all the things you need to do.
It means that you leave the playground early because of one child’s mistakes, which also punishes the other sibling. You might have to leave a restaurant mid-meal or a party in mid-swing because your child won’t behave. It’s not fun, but you’re paying now for a better behaved child.
With babies, it means letting them cry so they can learn to sleep. Pure hell, but better than a year of your life with no sleep. Same when it’s time for the pacifier to go. With toddlers, it means enduring a tantrum rather than giving in to the demands of a tiny would-be despot.
In a nutshell, it sucks. And as you watch other parents charge their debt to the future, you wonder whether you’re a crazy person for insisting that your kids behave, and that they do it yesterday.
What put me firmly in the “pay now” camp is a vivid childhood memory. I was about the age my twins are now, sobbing because my mom wouldn’t allow me to go to a party. It was my own fault; I’d done something she’d told me not to do, and that was the consequence. The memory is seared onto my brain; I can tell you where I was standing when I begged to be allowed to go anyway, and how she told me that she wished very much that I could, but that she’d spelled out the consequences and I’d broken the rules, and that was that.
The other morning I called my mother to ask her advice about our daughter, because she’s inherited a double dose of strong will from both Mark and me. She’s probably a lot like I was at her age. Amazingly enough, my mom has no memory of not allowing me to go to that party, but it made such an impression on me that I can still tell you what wallpaper I saw through my tears as I pleaded to go, and I can smell the Halston wafting from her sweater when she hugged me. I’m sure that afternoon of my tears was hell on my mother, but since the memory is that powerful to me now, I’m guessing that it was worth it. I don’t remember being kept home from any more parties.
At any rate, we’re paying now. Our daughter did not behave well on a visit to the pumpkin patch last weekend, and I told her repeatedly that if her attitude didn’t improve, she couldn’t go to the birthday party she was supposed to attend. So we had our very own version of the talk I had with my mother 20 years ago, and I made her stay home. And no, it wasn’t fun.
I also kept thinking about the mom to whom I’d RSVPd “yes,” and how terrible it was to back out at the last minute. But when I next saw her, and apologized, she wasn’t mad. On the contrary, she was impressed, and thanked me. She’d had to explain to her daughter why Anne wasn’t at her birthday party, and apparently it made quite an impression.
I think we’ve made an impression on Anne, too. But I wouldn’t be at all surprised if we have to go through this again for it to really sink in. If that happens, it will be ugly. There will be tears. But I’d rather pay now, while the consequences are small in the grand scheme of things, than pay later. Compounding interest on discipline matters gets you into bigger trouble than you’d ever face with your bank or your credit card company.
So even if it hurts, we’re going to pay now.
How about you? What’s your philosophy? Do you pay your child discipline toll up front, or are you charging it to the future?
I vary depending on the circumstance. Like CIO and time outs don’t really work for my kids or our family, but I do stand strong on the boundaries I set that do work for us. So I think the idea is not “Oh do CIO or pay for it later by not sleeping” but more like “Pick your battles and stand strong for what’s right for your family or pay of it later.” And I’ve definitely pay for taking the easy way out at times because I’m tired or cranky or just want my husband to do it later. Heh.
Absolutely, it has to be what works for your family. I know CIO is controversial, but it’s one thing that worked for us and so I used it as an example. (Bad choice.) But, for instance, keeping my daughter home from the birthday party this weekend…that absolutely sucked. For her, and for us. But we realized we can’t make empty threats and expect our children to behave, so since we’d told her we’d take that away from her, we did it.
That’s what I meant by paying now. And how much it stinks. I would SO much rather have let her go to the party and had a happy Sunday afternoon than been stuck in the house with a pouty child, but it could not have made a bigger impression. Hopefully in the long run it will be worth it.
Bottom line–you have to find what works for your family, your children, and do it. Thanks for stopping by, Alex!!!
My husband and I recently adopted four-year old identical twins and trying to instill discipline in them has been a challenge. We definitely use time outs (some days we have more than others!) and our most headstrong child, Sean, has definitely been allowed to just cry it out at times. I worry sometimes that people think we are being overly concerned about discipline and expectations that they listen and follow the rules but I am just as afraid that if we do not set boundaries now, we will be paying for that leniency later on as they get older. It is certainly not fun to do and we’ve spent many a day with a fussy and not happy 4 year old but we are trying to enforce the idea that their actions have consequences- sometimes bad, sometimes good. The one thing that is interesting to me so far is that I had thought I would be the more lenient parent but that has not been the case- the hubby tends to back down before I will.
It’s hard to do, isn’t it? Harder still when you’re worried about what other people think of your parenting. Try not to and remember that you know what’s best for your own children, and that with twins comes a whole host of issues which aren’t a factor for most people. I wish there were a manual for that.
Good luck–it sounds like you’re on the right track!
We pay now, for most things. We stayed home from the zoo with friends one time, and it was a terrible experience for all of us. But I think it made an impression in a way that some things don’t. Sleep is the one thing we struggle with. I don’t know if we’re “paying later” but my kids were terrible with it. We did a very modified CIO with my daughter, and she’s still terrible! So we DIDN’T with my son, and he’s terrible, too. I think some of it is genetic (and my fault — I’m a terrible sleeper.)
Yes, staying home makes a BIG impression. At least, that’s what I’ve found. Sleep is harder. With twins, we’ve got a built in control factor, and one of ours is wired to sleep a ton, and one is wired to be up and at ’em. We controlled naps to some extent, but there’s only so much you can do. We do make sure they go to bed early, and I think they get far more sleep than most of their counterparts.
All the same, paying now is still not much fun. But it seems the better option.
I think paying now is absolutely worth it. Especially with a headstrong kid. My son is stubborn and stein willed, and while I certainly want him to hold onto his ability to think for himself, he has to understand that there are consequences in life. So we let him make his stubborn choices, but we hold our line. It does suck sometimes, but I think it’s teaching him that love doesn’t mean saying yes to everything and being his parent isn’t always a buddy movie.
Exactly. And I’d rather let them figure this out while the consequences for misbehavior are relatively minor, rather than wait until the consequences involve handcuffs.
And you’re right, as much as it would be fun, being a parent can’t always be a buddy-buddy thing.
What a great article! Now that I think of it, we’re a little in between paying now and paying later, but when you put it like that, I’d say we definitely need up start paying up front more often!
This is a great article with an important message, Angie. I love your metaphor since it so clearly paints the picture of paying now vs. later. I have a daughter who is now almost 23, but have spent my career in early childhood classrooms. I can’t even begin to tell you the importance of having the mindset of “paying now” when you have 18 3-5 year olds in a group! The first few weeks of any new school year can be a challenge when the kids are learning the new rules, routine, expectations, etc. But my co-teacher and I have found that by having clear expectations and having kids “pay now”, they end up trusting us and the environment to keep them safe. I think it is a form of love, actually. That’s not to say it is always easy (or quiet!)! But it is worth the investment, whatever we can invest each day.
Glad to know that a professional agrees! Sometimes parenting feels like flying blind. Now, I have far from the group numbers you’re talking about in a classroom setting, but I do think the twin dynamic makes it even more important to pay now. They’re so close that they will do just about anything for each other, and I want to make sure that does not include subverting parental authority.
Love it Angie. Love it. Hospitals should send a copy home with all new parents.
That would be fantastic! But if we sent home a real parenting manual, and if anybody read it, I think first time parents would either refuse to leave the hospital or be kidnapping nurses from the maternity floor to come home with them!