Angie Kinghorn

Will you accept this rose? Hell, no.

Image courtesy of ABC
Things I know for sure about The Bachelor: it is a vicious cycle of addiction.  It disgusts me, yet I will watch it.  There will be hot tubs and pools at every opportunity.  No matter what the job listed below each contestant’s name, if you dig deep enough, you’re likely to find that the real profession is “actress.”  
Each season, I vow to stay away from this train-wreck of a show.  And then I tell myself I’ll just watch the first episode, to remind myself how horrible it is.  It leaves me feeling hungover and in need of a shower, fighting the urge to run out wearing sandwich boards teaching the general population the proper usage of personal pronouns.
***Begin rant***
The continued butchering of personal pronouns on The Bachelor and The Bachelorette is so egregious that it cannot possibly have been accomplished by accident.  This particular franchise gets it wrong every single time, with the kind of deliberateness that makes the conspiracy theorist in me come out to play.  

I think ABC employs a grammar coach.  My guess is that said coach flunked out of an English program at a respectable school (or couldn’t get admitted to one in the first place) and decided to consult on The Bachelor to help the contestants clean up their language.  He or she then sits behind the scenes of each interview, waiting for the hapless contestant to stumble into the “me” or “I” dilemma.  Then the coach steers them directly into the wrong pronoun, but with confidence!  The audience is then treated to such gems as, “Today is all about Michelle and I.”  Or, “Brad and I’s relationship is really moving forward.”  Or, “Me and Ashley were horrified to find out we had the two-on-one date.”
People.  As one who loves the Queen’s English, I beg you, please, STOP.  I will give you some simple tips in a separate post to help you figure it out.  It’s not that difficult, I promise.
***End rant***
The second week of the show, I find myself watching even though I really don’t want to, because I’m convinced that this is the season that someone is going to blow this thing out of the water.  Surely this is the season where all of the bachelorettes will stomp out of the mansion, yelling at the cameras that this loser of a guy is not worth it, that they came here to find a husband, not a fame-whore, and that dammit, they’d like to have access to a newspaper or a book so they can do something with their free time other than sit around and ponder which of them is “there for the right reasons.”  (Here’s a hint about the answer: none.)  
Alternatively, I think that surely, this season, the Bachelor will attend one of the first few pre-rose ceremony cocktail parties, look around at the room packed with preening women squeezed into scraps of jewel-toned fabric, black holes smoldering out of each pan-caked face where eyes should be, over-processed hair teased over Bump-its where brains should be, and say, “Dammit, ABC!  I give you my life to fix up, you have an entire world of women from which to choose, and THIS is what you give me?”
It hasn’t happened yet.  But since it might happen next week, maybe I’ll watch.
You know, just in case.

Comments

  1. I hear ya. I do not share The Bachelor addiction. Mine is worse. I adore The Challenge–previously known as the Road Rules, Real World Challenge on MTV. So, not only do I watch poor grammar having, salacious nonsense, I am outdated and pitiful. Sigh.

  5. Oh, man, just listening to any of them claim they want to find “love” makes my pulse quicken. You don't do that with a man who's making out with 25 other women!!!

  6. @Liz, yes, love/hate is the best way to describe it. It's kind of like this generation's soap opera. I can't wait until the series is over and we can get the scoop on exactly how it was made. How much was directed, what were the contestants really hoping to gain, etc.

    @amyblam, are you sure it's your DVR judging you? Perhaps someone else in your household is helping the DVR forget to record it.

    @KLZ, I wish they would just drop the “we're here to find love!” premise. Maybe on the first or second season. But not now. Yet we still watch. WHY? It's television crack.

    @Mommy Lisa, I agree. And yet…I can't look away. Perhaps I need help.

    @HonestConvoGal, I didn't realize that was still on! Man, you are outdated. But I'm not judging. I have absolutely no room to judge. :)

  8. I keep getting suckered into the Bachelor! I try to only catch the first and last 2 episodes, but usually fail miserably since there is nothing else and heck, I'll be honest, he's got a pretty ripped 6 (or 12) pack going! At my age, a little eye candy is fun! However, the rest of the cast is just nasty for the most part! You'd think they were still in jr. high! Then 10 p.m. rolls around and I get “Castle” and the new “Hawaii 5-O” – of course I record one!

  11. I love Bachelor. Yes, I admit it. I too say with every season that this will be the season I stop watching. Jake? No way! Ali? Not a chance! Brad? PLEASE! But it never works. Not only do I watch but I say really ridiculous things like— it seems like Brad's therapy really is working…

    My personal pet peeve this season is the over usage of the phrase “that being said”. Brad cannot utter a single sentence without using it at least twice. Listen for it.

  13. I am totally hooked on The Bachelor, embarrassed to admit that I look forward to it every Monday. It truly is a train-wreck but such an entertaining one. This season I can't help but hope he goes for Crazy and picks Michelle, might as well make it a train wreck right until the end.