Amy Chua, a professor at Yale Law School, has a new book coming out tomorrow, titled Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. Excerpts from the book made up a recent article in The Wall Street Journal, titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior.”
Chua’s parenting methodology denies her daughters any extracurricular activities of a social nature (including sleepovers, playdates, school plays, TV, and computer games), limits their choice of musical instrument to either the piano or violin, demands at least three hours per day of music practice, and insists on perfect grades, on pain of a “screaming, hair-tearing explosion,” followed by dozens, if not hundreds, of practice tests until the grade rises to an A.
She contrasts her methodology with Western parenting, which she says is entirely too concerned with a child’s self-esteem. Chinese mothers, she says, assume strength, not fragility, in their offspring, and treat them accordingly.
Obviously, Chua’s intent is to stir the pot. And she’s succeeded. Before the book has even hit shelves, it’s the subject of intense debate and scrutiny. The WSJ article had over 2,300 comments when I last looked. Several commenters on the WSJ site suggest that Chua’s parenting techniques are so barbaric that social services should get involved and her children should be taken from her.
I feel compelled to point out that, as the book is not yet available to the public, I haven’t read it and am unable to say whether the greater context of the book would cast Chua’s actions and intent in a more favorable light. After all, at least one article from Slate discusses the rebellion of her younger daughter, Lulu, at the age of 13. Yet by American standards, Lulu’s rebellion is tame. She cuts her hair, quits the violin and takes up tennis instead, prompting the author of the article to suggest that her mother began “scheming behind her back to improve her performance on the court instead of on the stage.” I daresay most Western parents would welcome rebellion in the form of a tennis protege rather than a drug-addled dropout or a daughter wrestling with an eating disorder or suicidal tendencies.
Among our contemporaries, my husband and I would be considered fairly conservative and strict parents. We tend to agree with John Rosemond’s theories of child rearing. We let our children cry it out so that they developed the ability to soothe themselves to sleep. We expect good behavior. We certainly don’t get it all the time, but when we don’t, there are consequences. The consequences vary depending on the act of defiance, but they are always there. We tell our children what we expect of them, and we hold them to those expectations. However, we also try to ensure that those expectations are reasonable given the age and abilities of our children.
We purposely looked for a preschool that was about learning through play, and eschewed programs that forced three year olds to spend large chunks of time and energy in computer labs or foreign language classes.
Why? Do we not value computer skills or the ability to speak a second language? Of course we do. But before our children learn html, I want them to be accomplished in several other areas; namely; in playing well with others, recognizing and obeying authority figures in the classroom and elsewhere, and in making friends and managing those friendships.
Undoubtedly, in the Chua’s eyes, this makes me a typically weak or soft Western mother.
I’m not sure that’s the correct focus.
More than anything, I doubt Amy Chua and I have the same goals in mind when parenting. She seems determined to raise her daughters to be world class musicians, fellow law professors, or perhaps, in the case of her tennis-happy “rebellious” daughter, Olympians, whether or not they share those desires.
My goal? To raise my children so that they, after reflection and experience, can choose their own paths, paths that make the world a better place, even if only in a small way. And above all, to be faithful, and in that faith and their lives, to find contentment and happiness.
I realize the above paragraph may make some of you think I’m about to suggest we sit in a circle, join hands, and sing “Kumbaya,” or that I spoil my children beyond belief, caring only about their own happiness. Not at all. Children need discipline and a coherent framework in which to grow in order to be happy. The kind of happiness I wish for my children is not instant gratification; it is not the desperate desire for material gratification that so enslaves our world. My wish for them is the peace of God, the blessing of love, and the deep, still contentment that comes with knowing your life is being lived according to God’s plan.
Like it or not, we are all blessed with different spiritual and intellectual gifts. Jesus speaks of the members of his church as different parts of one body. A hand, no matter how gifted, can never do the work of a liver, and a toe, no matter how well exercised, could never be trained to do the work of a lung. And who are we to decide which parts of the body are the best and the most important? I submit to you that an orchestra composed solely of pianos and violins would be of as little use as a body consisting only of a nose and an elbow. We need trumpet players, we need opposable thumbs, we need a woodwind section to round out the sound and bring it to life.
I won’t lie; I’d love for God’s plan to have my twins to grow up into careers that glitter when I speak of them at cocktail parties. But not if that glitter serves as a facade to hide a hollow and meaningless life. The twins are four, and when they informed me the other day that their respective life goals were to be a garbage man and an ice cream girl, I stifled my instinct to say, “Oh, no. Wouldn’t you rather be a neurosurgeon and an astronaut?” Instead, I thought about my days trekking into work at a prestigious law firm. I thought about the many times I looked with envy at the barista in the downstairs coffee shop, watching her genuine smile as she steamed milk for morning lattes, her easy rapport with her regular customers, her honest contentment with her life. I remembered the feeling of emptiness I had when I settled into my desk more than 30 floors above her coffee shop, an emptiness that no amount of cash or prestige could ever fill. And I said to my children, “You can be whatever you want to be. I just want you to be happy.”
And I meant it.
Above all, I want my children to become independent and responsible, and this is entirely consistent with my ultimate wish that they be happy. This is why this week’s Scary Mommy post , titled “The fine art of ignoring your children,” resonated with me so much. If my children were to learn to play the piano or the violin, I would want them to learn the responsibilities that come along with the task. Those would include practicing. While Chua stood over her children until they’d practiced for three or more hours, I would simply remind my children that they had to have learned x, y, and z in preparation for this week’s lesson. And then if, at the time of the lesson, they hadn’t learned x, y, or z, I’d think about their practice habits that week and speak with the instructor. Did they flub the skills because they didn’t practice and lacked the proper discipline? Or were the skills still slightly out of reach, despite diligence in preparing for the lesson? If the case were the former, I’d discipline the child by revoking privileges and free play time. If it were the latter, I’d encourage the child to work on the skill again the following week. I cannot envision a scenario, where, like Chua, I’d force a child to sit at the piano for hours on end, not allowing breaks for water or to use the bathroom, until a piece was learned correctly.
I also cannot envision a scenario in which I would tell my daughter, as Ms. Chua suggests, “Hey, Fatty, lose some weight.” Nor can I envision calling either my son or my daughter “garbage” in response to a disrespectful comment.
One of the best gifts a mother can give to her children is the example of her own life. Chua seems to have two goals for her daughters (the aforementioned high achievement, and subsequent raising of children as traditional “Chinese mothers”), and those goals appear to be mutually exclusive. What purpose does all this achievement serve if the end game is to produce more good Chinese mothers who would sacrifice all their achievements to produce the same outcome in their offspring? And once so devoted to offspring of their own, how are Chinese women to continue to achieve? Or at that point, is achievement measured in driving one’s own children? I would think so, but for Chua’s prominently displayed credentials. It is hard to imagine how Chua became a professor at Yale Law School, let alone the author of three books, if she spent her time so devoted to her children’s pursuits–drilling them relentlessly on math problems, overseeing endless hours of music practice, and never allowing her daughters to have any semblance of a social life.
One does not become a professor of law at Yale while spending all waking hours engaged in the kind of dictatorial parenting that Chua describes. Either Chua is using hyperbole to make her point, or she hired someone to act as “Chinese mother” for her. Or, I suppose, she simply does not sleep.
Whatever the case, Chua is quoted in The Washington Post as saying that she’s “not good at enjoying life.”
How sad, that of all the things she could teach, this is what she has chosen to pass down to the next generation.
And this is just one of the reasons I love you!
Why, thank you, Traci! Anything else you'd like to see posted, just let me know.
I think you are awesome. A friend of mine asked once asked me why Henry was so well behaved. After laughing, I responded, “Well, for starters, I ignore him with great frequency. And secondly, there are days where it seems all I do is take him to the stairs, discipline, cuddle, repent, and pray. Repeat.”. She said, “Gosh, doesn't that get tiring?” “Yes. But my love for him mandates there be consequences.”. I don't think many parents get that. That loving requires we not allow the objects of our affections to behave unbecomingly.
Elizabeth, yes, that's it, exactly. I love the way you put it, “that loving requires we not allow the objects of our affections to behave unbecomingly.”
And just as importantly, “my love for him mandates there be consequences.” So true, and yet so overlooked by so many.
However, consequences as you and I see them are probably quite different than consequences as Amy Chua sees them. And thank goodness for that.
Having a “naturally” gifted child that is not Asian is quite the baffler for many Asian parents. I have had an Asian parent as me what I do at home to make him so smart. When I said nothing she asked again as if to say I was keeping a secret from her. Thanks for writing this. I may do the same.
@NextMartha, wow. Just…wow. She thought you were keeping some super-secret about how you made your child into a gifted child?
Let me know if you post on this. I'd love to read what you have to say!
Well said, Angie, well said. My son is 21 y/o, was raised with love, discipline & consequences and knowledge of our Lord. He has all the tools and it's up to him to now use them. I “sit on the sidelines” now and watching life play out as he makes his adult decisions. When invited, I offer wisdom (I hope!). You ladies are all parenting wonderfully! Keep at it!
I've known quite a few parents who follow this method of child rearing – and perfection, not strength is usually their goal. Which is the same goal that stage moms have.
So it's not really one I buy into all that much…
@Guerrina, hello! It always brings a smile to my face to see your name pop up in the comments. You hit the nail on the head with your philosophy on raising your son, as far as I'm concerned. I hope to be able to do the same.
@KLZ, when I read the article and saw a picture of one of her daughters playing piano at Carnegie Hall, “stage mom” is exactly what popped into my head. Especially since I saw another interview/excerpt from her book today that added that Chinese mothers wouldn't allow their children to play sports unless there was a possibility that they could win a medal in those sports, and that the only acceptable medal would be gold. (Really, I'm not making that up. Here's the link: http://today.msnbc.msn.com/id/41005969/ns/today-books/).
These days the idea of just raising 'happy' kids seems to have been lost in the mix. Surely if our children are happy, they will contribute in the world and treat people well … because after all, they will be happy in their lives and have no reason to tear anyone else's apart.
There have been around 3000 comments on her post at Blogher, guess she will sell a few books – but was just telling my 13 yr old overachieving happy child about her and her comment, she makes the rest of Mom's look really good!
@ByWordofMouth, I didn't realize she had a post at Blogher. Will have to go look. Part of me does wonder if all this controversy is only intended to sell books, and if so, bravo to her publicist for knowing how to launch the hell out of something. It does make me want to read it, if only to find out whether the parts that have been excerpted have been taken horribly out of context.
You're right about the idea of raising happy kids having fallen out of favor. The idea seems to be that if you have success (as traditionally defined by money and material possessions), happiness will naturally follow. And that's just not so.
Well said Angie!
I had a very different reaction from many western moms.
Although I can't say that name calling or manipulation is good parenting, I can't help but feel that we have gone SO far into the realm of self esteem and encouragement that there is no longer any such thing as drive, ambition or initiative.
I see kids who expect awards for showing up. I see parents who destroy competition with any real winner.
And I see a country losing its lead in industry, technology, invention.
And I worry.
Well said…I saw her on the Today show the other morning and I can't say that I was completely against her at that point. She does make some valid points in terms of what we are willing to accept. As a middle school teacher, it's almost criminal how low some of the expectations have sunk.
As a parent, I am with you…I want my children to be happy.
She did discuss the backlash that her book is having in the media and mentioned that many of the comments were taken out of context. What happens in her house may seem out of the ordinary in *our* homes, but is not so in theirs. I get that…if you heard snippets of some of our conversations, you may find me certifiable! I'm not though…I promise!
You should read this article: http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/g/a/2011/01/13/apop011311.DTL&ao=all
A lot of the “excerpt” in the Wall Street Journal was taken out of context. The book itself is supposed to be much more nuanced.
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A great read. I will definitely be back.