So the hubster has informed me, that despite my status as a relatively rational and intelligent person, I harbor a lot of irrational fears. (Really? Doesn’t everybody worry that the one time they use their laptop in a thunderstorm that the house will be hit by lightning and they’ll be electrocuted via email?)
For instance, I have a pair of socks that causes me considerable anxiety. I honestly have no idea how they came to live in my sock drawer, but while all my favorite socks go missing on a regular basis, this pair is an irritatingly reliable presence that refuses to be eaten by the sock monster that lives in our dryer. This is an admirable and rare quality in a pair of socks, so I’ve kept them despite the irrational fear they instill deep in my soul each time I wear them.
What’s the big deal, you ask? They’re just plain white athletic socks.
Except for the giant letter “R” stitched onto the outside of one, and the giant “L” stitched onto the other. (And no, they’re not supposed to be Ralph Lauren.)
My fear is that I will meet with some disaster whilst wearing these socks, and that their presence on my feet will cause the paramedics to draw some erroneous conclusions. For instance, they might be unable to find my ID and conclude from my dress that I’m the kind of girl who monograms her socks, so I must be Lorna Ripley. Alternately, they might decide the letters on the socks were a grown woman’s hideous attempt to hide her inability to tell left from right, and then come to the (logical) conclusion that I turned right when I meant to go left and caused a huge pileup and thus was at fault for the whole mess. My greatest fear, however, is that they’ll assess the sock situation and dock me about 100 IQ points, and my medical care will proceed accordingly, in a manner that might involve wrist restraints and a locked ward.
Sharks cause me considerable anxiety and fear, whether I’m at the beach or several hundred miles away in my bed. I absolutely cannot let one arm, leg, or even a toe dangle out over the mattress. Even if our bedroom is 1000 degrees, I can’t do it. Because in my screwed-up mind, that mattress becomes a tiny piece of wood adrift in shark-infested waters, and any appendage peeking out over it is a shark appetizer, served up on a platter. (Sure, you didn’t think about it before, but wait until tonight.)
And if I’m actually at the beach, Lord help me. I’m fine in the clear waters of the Caribbean. I’ve even been known to scuba dive there. But in the murky saltwater of the East Coast, I get nervous the minute I can’t see my toes through the water, which is pretty much the minute they’re covered by water. Something about not being able to see through the water gets me every time. And I always worry that I’ll have a scrape on my knee or a cut on my foot or, ohmigod, my period, and that sharks will come from miles around, attracted by one tiny droplet of blood.
Ridiculous, I know. But “Jaws”has lasting repercussions.
If all that weren’t weird enough, I really worry that some day, God will hear me say that I want something to happen and make it happen. And then I’d wind up living in Gisele’s body and ruining her career while she tried to squeeze my body into my skinny jeans and dropped my kids on their heads. Perhaps I watched too many Tom Hanks movies as a child.
This one may not be particularly irrational, but I constantly worry about where my emails actually go when I send them out into the cyber void. I’ve also been known to lose sleep wondering about emails that people may have sent to me that are lost in that same void. This one really screws with my head, y’all.
Usually after I’ve been reading a mystery novel or watching some spy movie, I start to fear that my house or my car is bugged and that someone somewhere is laughing at my rendition of “Alejandro,” or reporting me to the NSA for discussing editorials about radical Islam with my husband.
Oh, here’s a biggie: fear that I will be stopped by a policeman on suspicion of drunk driving. Let me clarify: I don’t drive drunk. Ever. But I’ve been known to swerve and do irrational looking things behind the wheel of a car while sober. I mean, it’s really difficult to pick up somebody’s lost Croc from the backseat or refill a snack trap without swerving across a lane or two of traffic. Know what I mean? Anyway, I’m worried that someday I’ll get stopped and then fail the sobriety test, as I’ve also been known to fall over whilst stone cold sober. And even in the depths of sobriety, under that kind of pressure, I am not entirely sure that I could count backward from 100 by 7s or whatever it is they make you do.
I am terrified of being caught shoplifting. Again, let me clarify: I have never ever shoplifted as much as a lipstick from a drugstore. If the grocery clerk doesn’t see the milk under my cart I stop her and have her scan it in. I’ve been known to send back a bill in a restaurant if they’ve forgotten to include something on it. But all the surveillance cameras in stores these days make me afraid that someone will think I’m trying to shoplift when I’m really just rummaging in my purse trying to answer my phone. This was particularly bad when the kids were small enough to be in a stroller. If I only needed a few things from the grocery store, I’d just toss them in the basket under the stroller. But I did this while behaving like a dealer in Vegas. I’d show my empty hands to the eyes in the sky, purposefully grab a pack of diapers, make a loud comment to the babies about how we didn’t need a cart that day because we were only getting a couple of things, and then shove the item into the stroller basket. I got the hairy eye from a store manager once, as he saw me shoving salad dressing into the mesh pocket on the back of our double jogger, and that was enough. From then on, I pushed a stroller and pulled a cart.
Sometimes when we’re sitting at home on a Saturday night, enjoying dinner and a movie, I’m struck with a feeling of certainty that everyone else on the entire planet is at Oprah’s for some fabulous dinner party to which we were not invited.
Finally, I worry that this post is too long. Perhaps I should break it up into pieces. Irrational Fears, Volume 1. Irrational Fears, Volume 2. And so on. Mentioned it to hubster, who said, “That says something, doesn’t it?”
Well, hell. Does it?
Funny! I cannot let an extremity dangle from the bed- not due to sharks, but some lurking thing under the bed, not sure what, because I refuse to look under there. Shower curtains get me EVERY time I walk into any bathroom and I swear I always see them just ever so slightly moving. I have to match my bra and panties in case of a car accident. I always think someone is watching me in the store thinking I am shop lifting. Ecspecially when I am buying a new lipstick and can't put it into the cart because it will fall through the holes, so I have to hold it – I hold it up and out for all to see (that I look like a complete idiot!) Have a good day and please, keep an eye over your shoulder you just never know when a lion will approach (one of my other fears – yes, Lions, in Cleveland.)
I also have that “extremity hanging from the bed” fear, but for me it stems from one of the Greek myths I read in 7th Grade — I think it's where Hercules is off on his adventures, and encounters an innkeeper who says that he has a bed that fits every traveler. Turns out, if you're too short, he ties up your hands and feet in the middle of the night and stretches you out. If you're too tall…well, he just chops off everything that hangs over the edge. No joke…this has really stayed with me over the years.
Throughout my life, I've also had a bizarre shark fear — like, fear that one will come out of the drain of my swimming pool, or that I'll get attacked while sitting in Lake Tahoe with my waterski, waiting for the boat to start.
I also have a fear of spiders falling on me in the shower. That's from Arachnaphobia.
So please don't feel alone. We're all nuts.
Saw Jaws in 1973 in the theater. Yep, I went home, had a shot of my parent's brandy (choked) then went to bed with the lights on. (I was 18 and legal to drink.) Sad thing? I live on the coast of Connecticut, grew up on the coast, never had fears about swimming. Since Jaws? If I can't touch bottom, I'm not going in – fresh or salt water. After all, we know there's such a thing as fresh water crocodiles, too, thank-you-oh-so-much-Steve Erwin. Sigh. Oh, and the movie about the cruise ship that turned upside down (and since had a remake of)- The Poseidon Adventure? I really want to want to go on a cruise, ya' know, but would I be able to scale the upside down insides of a several story cruise ship…at my age? Sigh.
It's not just me! I can't believe it.
@Kristen, I hadn't even thought about matching bra to panties in case of an accident. Dammit! New irrational phobia, welcome to my life. And the shower curtain? Aacckk! Thank goodness we've got a door on the shower in the master, but I'll forever be peeking behind the curtain in the kids' bathroom and in hotels, thankuverymuch.
@Kristin, you make me wonder if I read the same myth at some point, because this fear is really kind of ridiculous. I'll gonna do some research and see if I can find this sucker. Really hope there are no sharks in Lake Tahoe, btw, but I don't like lakes, either. I'll go swimming, but I'm scared of Frankenfish.
@Guerrina, OMG, fresh water crocs?!?!? Never watched much Steve Erwin, but that gives me another new one. Used to love going on cruises, until all the news stories about people mysteriously gone missing from ships in the night started turning up. There was one in particular about newlyweds where they thought one fell off their balcony, and that kind of did it for me. All those times I'd been drunk on a the deck of giant ships, thank God I never ran into any nefarious murderer types. *shudder*
Frankenfish? Wasn't that a movie on SciFi in the past few months? Maybe we should all stop watching suspense movies and the SciFi Channel…would we become less fearful?
I'm a sucker for disaster movies, but I only want to visit islands and California – no tsunamis or earthquakes for me! See? More fears than I realized!
Oh, the freshwater crocs? Mostly in Australia (where I will NEVER go in the water for many reasons). But good ol' Steve and Animal Planet taught me about sharks that go into fresh water….thinking that was mostly in Asia…yep, that sounds good to me! SO let's just stay out of the water in Asia!
And I thought I only needed clean underwear…now I need matching bras? Must redo my budget!
@Guerrina, Frankenfish is real! As in, on the front page of our local paper this morning. It's the nickname for giant genetically modified salmon. The FDA is considering whether to approve them. (Hiiii, Google. This should make for interesting visitors, yes?)
This is my favorite type of post. Looking into the idiosyncracies of a blogger's mind.
I love this.
Help me remember to do this on my blog, will you? cuz I love to read these.
The hanging your foot over the bed at night? I can't do it either. Honest to God, I sleep with the coveres over my head EVERY night. But you're wrong about the landsharks, it's the monsters under the bed you have to watch out for. 😉
For me, it all stems from the fact that at 30….something years old I'm kind of still afraid of the dark.
OH, I know. Believe me. I am all sorts of irrational. You are not alone. I actually just listed some and then erased them.
Sorry, Ang, didn't see the headline “Frankenfish”, but did read about the genetically altered salmon…and did see the movie!
Frankenfish – Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia – Frankenfish is a 2004 creature horror movie dealing with genetically engineered fish in the bayou (which is far away from me).
Ummm…my big fears? Shower curtains and slugs. Also? I am terrified something will come up through the toilet and bite me while I am using it.
@Empress, glad you liked it. My brain is all kinds of idiosyncratic, and I'm pretty sure there will be an “Irrational fears, part 2” post in the not-too-distant future. Let me know when you do something like this on yours, b/c I want to make sure to read it!
@Saucy, I continue to be shocked by how many people share my appendage-hanging-over-the-bed phobia. I'm not concerned about monsters over in these parts. We've got way too much junk stored under the bed to fit all but the smallest of monster.
@Kristy, I wish you hadn't erased yours! Would love to hear them.
@Guerrina, that's one movie I will be skipping. I don't do horror movies, but my sister does, and my conversation with her the other night? Abundant material for part 2 of this irrational fears mess.
@amyblam, I heard a story on the radio a few years ago about an octopus that found its way into somebody's toilet bowl, and it's never far from my mind when I have to get up to pee at night. Eeeek!!! What, specifically, freaks you out about shower curtains and slugs?
Angie…looking forward to Irrational Fears 2…forces me to look into me! Seriously, I don't do suspense or horror movies either – just some Grade D sci-fi and only scifi that I refused to watch had to do with cockroaches…sent my son over to a male friend's across the street, baked them cookies and said, “have fun”! I guess they watched the movie…I just heard lots of laughter, belches and farts…musta been a contest!
I cannot do roaches, centi or millipedes or silerfish – EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!
Oops…silverfish
I cannot let my limbs dangle off the bed, but I'm not worried about sharks. I'm worried about trolls and witches and horribly evil things creeping out to snatch whatever they can reach. *shiver*
I also must be completely covered by a sheet or blanket and I'm always afraid to open my eyes in the dark lest *something* be standing there.
The police paranoia is there, too, but I just might have good reasons for that. 😉