Angie Kinghorn

A Friday flip-off to the asshats who don’t comprehend the rules of the road

The word of the week is asshat.  Ahem. 
If that offends your delicate sensibilities, you may want to stop reading now.
Definition (as provided by the Nerd Mafia Dons):


Asshat: noun, (slang): asshole.  From the slang expression, “having one’s head up one’s ass,” thus wearing the ass as a hat.  The term is extended to people who are clueless or bumbling, who don’t understand what’s going on.
Urban Dictionary’s helpful addition:  A person, of either gender, whose behavior displays such ignorance/obnoxiousness that you would like to make them wear their own ass as a hat.
Originally I was not pleased with this word of the week, because every time I read “asshat,” my mind wants to pronounce the “sh.”  Similar problem with the word “sweetheart.”  I want to pronounce “th.”  Anyway, asshat has turned out to be a most appropriate word.  Lately I’ve just about worn out the horn on the minivan, and I’m trying valiantly not to cuss in front of my kids, so I have a lot of pent-up road rage.  And so, I am carpeing the diem to rant at the asshats of the road.
Dear Asshats,
Yes, you.  You there driving ten miles under the speed limit when I’ve got to get my kids to preschool.  And you!  Yes, you Mommy midgets making fun of my Swagger Wagon while craning to see over the steering wheel of your Suburban and juggling your Starbucks and cell phone.  I’m talking to you!
Months of pent-up road rage have led me to the sad point of your collective flipping off.  Wait, am I talking to you?  How do you know if you’re an asshat?
Start by checking  your head.  If your ass is on top of it, then, well, you’re an asshat.  Even if your head is ass-less, if any of the following apply, I hereby find you guilty of asshattery:
  • You’re reading this at a stoplight.
  • You’re reading this while operating a moving vehicle. 
  • You park the wrong way in angled parking spots.
  • You expect other cars to make room for you as you leave the angled parking spot going the wrong way down a one-way row.  An especially big flip off to you if you honk at ME as if I’m a dumbass while trying to get your car out of a place it never should have been in the first place.
  • You park your giant SUV next to my Swagger Wagon and ding my sliding doors.
  • You’re the person who scraped my rear bumper a few weeks ago and left nothing but a small dent and white paint behind.
  • You don’t use turn signals, because guessing is so much fun!  
  • You clearly have the right-of-way at a four way stop but insist on sitting there and waving everyone else through.  That’s not chivalrous; it’s stupid and irritating and creates confusion and potential accidents for everyone involved.  When it’s your turn, GO, asshat!
  • You park in the handicapped spot while dropping your kids off at preschool so you can make it to your spin class on time.
  • You make everyone behind you wait while you back your car into a parking spot.  (Exception if you’re James Bond and might really need to peel the hell out of Dodge.)
If any of the above qualifies you as an asshat, flip off!
Feel free to comment and share your own Friday flip-offs. 
Love to all (asshats excluded).


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Comments

  1. I also want to add, people who don't pay attention at the SUPER SHORT left hand turn lights and then make the REST of us wait. And surely you remember third trimester pregnancy road rage? That's my life right now. :)

  2. Oh, yes, I can't stand that! Flip-off, crummy left-turners!

    No, I don't remember third trimester pregnancy road rage. I was on bedrest from 24 weeks on. Probably couldn't have reached the wheel for my belly, anyway! But I do remember the hormones, and girl, I would not want to mess with you on the road right now!

  5. Oh sweetjesus we have a dad who parks like such a dick at daycare drop off. He's the very same asshat that I took the picture of at soccer. The combover? Yah. Thinks he doesn't have to obey any of the rules. Laws. Driving laws. Jerk.

  6. Ha!! This cracked me up! I especially liked the part about your strong desire to say the “sh” in “asshat”. Ha! Saying it that way makes my head hurt. Girl, I am going to be saying it that way from now on even if try not to… Why did you tell us that part? asSHat, asSHat, asSHat…Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

  7. Good flip-offs. I also hate the asshats who dart out in front of you and then go 10 miles slower than you would be going or go slow and then turn off just as you're adjusting to the speed. Damn asshats.