Angie Kinghorn

Writer’s Workshop: Where were my shoes? Who knows, they wouldn’t have fit, anyway.

2.) Where were your shoes?  Write about an interesting time when you happened to be barefoot.  Begin and end your writing with a description of your feet.


At the end of my pregnancy, I couldn’t see my feet.
Before this, whenever I’d heard pregnant women say they couldn’t see their feet, I’d laughed.  Just lean over, or look to the side around the belly.  How hard could it be?
And then I found myself in the third trimester of a twin pregnancy and found out exactly how hard it could be.  Impossible.  My belly measured 10 weeks ahead, so I was the size of someone who was roughly 2 ½ months further along.  At 30 weeks, I looked full term.  At 35 weeks and 6 days, which is when this little incident occurred, I looked like an over-inflated balloon meant for the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.
Like the rest of me, my feet swelled during my pregnancy.  By the time I got to borderline preeclampsia, my cankles went all the way up past my knees.  I gained 20 pounds of fluid in one week.  No bones were visible pretty much anywhere on my body, but especially not in my feet.  When my husband tried to massage them to give me some relief, I could actually feel the fluid move around.  His hands left indentations on the tops of my feet like dimples in rising bread dough.
But I was focused on the truly important things in life, and at 35 weeks and 6 days into my pregnancy, I knew that my OB appointment the next day was likely to lead to a delivery or at the very least, another hospital stay.
Clearly, my toes had to be painted.
Any sane person would have simply removed her old polish (or left it) and been done with it, but am I sane?  Hell, no.  My toenails have sported red polish for most of my adult life.  Having red toenails and blonde hair makes me feel better about the state of the world.
It’s only in retrospect I can see how addled my brain must have been.  There I was, roughly the size of a young killer whale, swollen so much that if I sat down on the floor I had to have help getting up, having foregone such niceties as leg-shaving and bikini line maintenance months prior, worried about what the doctors and nurses would think of my freaking toenails, when my feet were too swollen to fit in any of my shoes.
A pedicure was out of the question because I was on bed rest, therefore I took it upon myself the day before my appointment to remove my old polish and paint my toes.
Unfortunately, I neglected to consider that not only could I not see my toes, I couldn’t even reach my toes.
But it didn’t stop me.  It took several hours and many rest breaks and some really amazingly stupid contortion and bolstering of various body parts with pillows, but those toes got painted.
Good thing, too, because the next day my doc sent me straight over to the hospital to have the twins.  At 36 weeks on the nose.
Hours and many doses of morphine later, flat on my back in the recovery room after my c-section, I noticed that I could actually see my toes.  This hadn’t happened in months.  I started chirping to everyone who would listen, “Look, I’m thin!  I can see my feet!  I’m skinny!  I’m positively svelte!”  To his credit, my husband didn’t laugh, but the nurses sure did.
It wasn’t until the next day that I got a clear picture of what I’d done.  At first, without my glasses, I glanced down and thought my feet were covered in blood.  Which honestly would not have surprised me all that much at that point.  But after donning my specs, I got the picture.  There were my feet, even more swollen than before the birth.  And there was smeared, dark red polish, splashed all over my toes, nails, cuticles and all.  I can’t remember the actual name of the polish I used (“I’m not really a waitress,” perhaps?), but I’ve got a few suggestions for OPI the next time they go naming a dark red polish: “I’m not really a manicurist.”  Or “Texas chainsaw massacre.”  Or “Shot with a hospistol.”  Or “You give blood a bad name.”

Comments

  1. I am literally laughing, out loud, by myself, sitting at my desk! That's why I love this Writer's Workshop thing! I too had pre-eclampsia and was induced at 35 weeks…and my feet looked like, to quote my older brother (yes, even as adults brothers still have a way with words) “those Japanese women who bind their feet – only HUGE! They're ROUND!!”
    Thanks for the morning pick-me-up.

  4. Angie, I have a picture (of the swollen feet, not the botched paint job), but it's really so gross that I couldn't post it. Bleeehhh.

    Lo, if it makes you feel any better about your brother's comment, my sister (an adult, too) told me about six months after I had the babies, “Only two words came to mind when I saw you on the couch. Beached. Whale.”

    Thanks, lil' sis.

  5. so well written! My husband loved leaving little dents all over my shins when I was pregnant – you were lucky to have a husband who massaged your feet and didn't make fun :)

    OPI should definitely use one of your name suggestions.

  7. That was positively hilarious. Isn't amazing the things our hormone addled brains convince us to do? C'mon on now really??? I can just see you trying this and it's really funny in my head. Thanks for the laughs this morning.

    Stopping by from Mama Kat's.

  8. I have 9 month old twins and I can TOTALLY relate to this story! Except the you are a rock star because my toenails never got painted (I was on bedrest too)!!
    Swinging by from Mama Kat's to say hello…you're blog title caught my attention!

  9. Here's where I got this girl thing all wrong. Red toenails would not be on my to do list if I were heavy with child (I love that phrase).

    I really should have my girl card taken away.

  10. Hahahah! Thanks for a good laugh (I have that color by the way, on my toes right now!) I was the same way,although not as big (no twins) and I was able to convince my husband that he had to paint my nails!

    Stopping by from MamaKats

  11. 1. Did you know they've discontinued the I'm not really a waitress color? It was my Mom's favorite.
    2. I was on bedrest so long that my ankles didn't swell, my back did. Which is an entirely different kind of gross than having sweet potatoes for feet.
    3. There should TOTALLY be a bikini waxing service for pregnant women on bedrest.

  14. I remember those indentations from my son's pregnancy (he was a moose at 9 lbs 11 oz!). My daughter and I had so much fun leaving “dents” all up and down my legs, but my husband had to leave the room because he was so grossed out!

    I don't even think I considered having my toes painted— I was just hell bent on getting out that mammoth growing inside me!

    Thanks for the visit! looking forward to getting to know you better!
    : )

  15. @ Elizabeth, are you serious? They discontinued that color? That was a fantastic color!!! Also, I cannot imagine having a swollen back. Owwww. How long were you on bed rest? And I'm gonna disagree with you on needing a bikini wax service for pregnant women on bed rest, only because I made the mistake of getting one late in my first trimester. HOLY PAIN, BATMAN!!!! All that increased blood flow also meant that as soon as the wax was ripped off, little pinpricks of blood appeared everywhere a hair had been. I almost didn't let her do the other side.

    I'm so glad that a lot of you also got to experience the dented legs thing while pregnant. Not glad, I mean, but it's funny to laugh about now. My husband was fascinated by the whole phenomenon, but various other peeps who were treated to the, “Hey, wanna see something cool? Watch this!” show did have to leave the room upon seeing the dents.

    @ June, I don't think they'll take away your girl card for not wanting red toes while heavy with child. They just won't give you a membership to the crazy club. :)

    @ Carrie, if I hadn't been so hormone addled, I might have thought to ask! I mentioned to Mark that perhaps he could paint them, but he was convinced he'd do a bad job of it. Snort. As if it could have been worse!!!

    @ Katie, I cannot believe you had a 9 lb 11 oz baby! Talk about a rockstar!

  17. LMAO!! Texas Chainsaw Massacre…LOVE it. I can't even imagine how swollen you must've been with twins! I only had one baby and couldn't see my feet either!

  19. Wow, Mommyologist, thanks! You've made my entire day!

    Ericka, I'm so glad you like the header and the button. Does this mean you'll be adding grenadine to your gin to achieve the same look? :)

  20. this is too funny. luckily, i didnt have preeclampsia, but i can totally relate not seeing your feet. i always had to ask my husband if they were still there and how they were doing.

    thanks for stopping by my blog :)

  21. That was hilarious and it's all too familiar too. I painted my toenails in the car on the way to the hospital while in labor. Why? Because like you, no one – and I mean NO ONE! – was going to see my naked toes. Even funnier…I painted them with OPI's I'm Not Really A Waitress too! lol It's my all time favorite red nail polish. I'm thinking we might be long lost sisters. :)
    Thanks for stopping by and commenting on my Writer's Workshop post. I'm so following you on Google Friend Connect after I post this comment. Have a great day.

    Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
    @TweetingMama

  22. very funny story!! made me laugh out loud! I just returned from having a manicure/ pedicure myself, just in case when I go to the doctor on Wednesday for my check-up, I'll be ready. haha

  23. That's so awesome. I'm 38 weeks pregnant – NOT with twins, thank God. My mom kindly painted my toes about a week ago because SHE couldn't stand looking at them. My husband keeps offering to trim THERE for me. I asked my OB the other day how big bushes get the further along a pregnancy goes. It's gotta be insane.

    Stopping by from ThetaMomCommunity!