My skin is pale. Casper the ghost pale. Most of my foundations have names like “alabaster,” “porcelain,” or the ever-popular “01.”
But don’t think for a minute that I’m Nicole Kidman’s doppelganger. Her visage is truly perfect, porcelain (perhaps fondant?), blemish-less, freckle-less, and smooth. Nope. Not what’s going on here at all.
Here there be freckles galore, and their bigger cousins, moles, or, as my dermatologist prefers to call them, “sun damage.” My family has a history of melanoma, and I’ve lost count of how many moles I’ve had removed because they looked suspicious. So far, my luck has held and they’ve only looked suspicious.
The problem is that I love the look of a tan. In the late nineties, I went through a tanning bed phase. It was wonderful. I got evenly tan, no bathing suit lines, it helped my acne, and best of all, it was guilt-free, because my dermatologist told me to do it. Yes, you read that correctly. My dermatologist recommended that I use tanning beds to get a solid base tan so I wouldn’t burn. He said it was far healthier than getting tanned or burned by the real sun.
[Time out for a litigious interruption: Dr. X (I’ll withhold your name for now), if one of my moles ever ends up being more than suspicious, I’m breaking my rule about not suing doctors and coming after you with a vengeance.]
Predictably, my combo of pale skin, concerned (new) dermatologist, and love for the tan look has led me to explore the world of sunless tanners. I’ve tried creams, lotions, sprays, gradual moisturizing tanners, and tan towelettes. I’ve ended up streaked, patchy, orange, and downright stanky.
But my worst experience by far happened this morning.
As we were gearing up for church, I decided today would be a fine time to apply my new Laura Mercier Body Bronzing Makeup. Now, this is not a self-tanner. As the name suggests, it’s a makeup. Bronzer in a lotion form for your body, to be exact. You simply apply it wherever you want to look tan. After ten or so minutes, it dries and becomes non-transferable to clothing (ha!), and you’re left with a gorgeous bronze glow.
The make-up-artist at Sephora who introduced me to this little gem assured me it stayed put. She wore it to her own wedding and didn’t get so much as a smidge on her white strapless dress, she assured me.
I’m calling a big fat BS on that one.
In the store, I noticed that the body bronzer had a slight coconut smell, but it was nice and beachy, and the small amount I’d tried on my hand was not overwhelming. This morning, I stood in our bathroom and laboriously slathered the stuff on my legs, arms, décolleté, and neck. It took a lot longer than I’d thought to get even coverage, and just like a self-tanner, my knees, ankles, and elbows immediately turned several shades darker than the rest of me. But overall, I had a nice (and immediate) golden brown glow. Then there was the first sign of trouble.
“Honey?” my husband called from downstairs. “Are you making piña coladas up there? What the hell is that smell?”
“It’s my new body lotion,” I called back. “And if you can smell it from down there, then you need to come up here and tell me whether I can go to church or not.” I glanced in the mirror. Hmm. I was darker than I’d thought. “And also whether I look like an Oompa Loompa.”
Hubby came trooping up the stairs, chortling all the way.
“Whaddya think?” I asked, twirling around for his inspection.
“It’s very … tropical,” he said, smirking.
“Seriously, how bad is the smell? Can I go to church? Do you think perfume would help?”
“It’s fine.”
“You wouldn’t have yelled from all the way downstairs about it if it were fine. Do you think perfume would help or not?” I asked, digging through my stash.
“What kind of perfume?” he asked, warily.
“My usual stuff,” I said. My usual stuff is Estée Lauder’s Beautiful. I’ve worn it since the ninth grade. I love it because it doesn’t give me migraines. How’s that for a reason to have a signature scent?
“You might want to consider something more in the pineapple category,” hubby said, laughing.
I sprayed on some Beautiful anyway, and he conceded that the combo wasn’t bad. “Kinda like a piña colada with flowers,” he said.
I spent the whole ride to church noticing how my skin was glittering á la Cullen in the sun. And how my arms sported giant smudges of brown that weren’t blended properly. And how the bruises on my legs seemed to be accented rather than hidden by the tan. And, oddly, craving rum.
During Sunday school, I tried to pretend the heads that turned in my direction were admiring my dress, rather than wondering at the source of eau de coconut. That illusion was shattered when the guy sitting behind me left abruptly, only halfway through the lesson.
Of course, when I’m anxious about something (for instance, about smelling like an alcoholic frozen beverage while in the house of God), I sweat. Not normally a problem, given my close friendship with Lady Mitchum, but today, when I felt beads of sweat forming on my chest, I looked down and saw that my tan was literally melting down my front and onto my bra.
Never in my life have I been so relieved to leave church. But our house isn’t much better. The bronzer’s scent seems to glom on to everything it touches, and instead of fading, it may actually intensify over time. My dress may have to be burned, and our house smells like a tourist bar in the Bahamas.
So without further ado, Laura freaking Mercier, I give your product an F. If there were anything lower than an F, I’d go with that. I never imagined I’d bronze a bra, but thanks to you, today, I did. Perhaps I can display it next to my bronzed baby shoes. At any rate, I’ll be sending you the bill later this week.
Ha ha! I am also a pale one – my foundation is “ivory.” Which is a nice way of saying, “not quite stark white.”
I am deathly afraid of self-tanners! For both the smell reason and the clothes-staining issues. This year I decided to just go for it and buy that Jergen's glowy moisturizer stuff, but I haven't tried it yet. I'm making a mental note to myself to stay away from Laura Mercier.
And ha ha ha about your reasoning/choice of signature scent! That cracked me up.
Lol. Funny stuff. Ok, so here's my tips in this subject because like you I also have to be vigilant about my chocolate chip marks (read moles) and I also love to be tan.
First, I recommend without hesitation the neutrogena tanning spray. It sprays at any angle so you can get your back, develops to a very nice color and really doesn't transfer. The cream they make for the face is very good too. Follow up with Benefits bronzing face powder Hula.
Second, I also get aibrush tanned at beach bum tanning. Not the spray booth! Someone actually applies it. The results are great but it's kind of a pain. It remains quite tacky for several hours after you get it done and rubs off like mad. So you can't really do much for several hours after getting it done. But this is an excellent option for before a vaca or before a special event.
HYSTERICAL!!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE your blog. I needed this laugh so bad this morning. I'm loving that you went to church looking like an oompa loompa and smelling like a pina colada.
I have never had luck with self tanners…and one time I got that Mystic spray tan thing and got a headache so bad from the smell that I was in bed for 2 days. No thanks. I think I'll just stick with pale!
Oh no.
I'm so sorry.
At least it made a great blog post, though.
I've always had terrible luck with self tanners.
Do you still smell like pina coladas?
I wonder if they put that scent in there to trick people into believing you were really at the beach??? too funny.
Absolutely hysterical!!! What a funny writer you are! I'm with you on the self-tanners but I try every year. I just gave Neutrogenas air brush spray a whirl and it worked well… Still had marks on my ankles but not too bad!!
Thanks for visiting my blog – I enjoyed yours and will be back!
I'm also super-pale and freckly. I've also spent most of my life hiding from the sun, so I've never tanned to anything darker than, well, someone else's normal skin colour. Never done fake tan, either. On the other hand, I do *love* a pina colada.
as a fellow translucent white girl i'll have you know that i learned my lesson from self tanner as well. i wasn't fooling anyone and also missed 9 spots. also i am going to have to follow you now. (in the bloggy sense, not the hide in your bushes kind.)
@ Megan, I'm thinking we should start a movement to bring pasty back. Whaddya think?
@ Saucy, I'm intrigued by the airbrush idea. But what do you do for several hours while you're tacky? Can you drive home and sit without ruining your tan? I may have to give the neutrogena stuff a shot, since a couple of you gals recommended it.
@ Mommyologist, a lot of my friends do the Mystic tan thing, and I am a bit apprehensive. If they give you a nose thing so you can't inhale the stuff, it cannot possibly be good for you. By my reasoning, anyway. That it gave you a headache also does not make me inclined to try it. Scents give me migraines like nobody's business.
@ angie, no, I no longer smell like a pina colada. Thank you, Lord. Our bathroom still smells a bit coconutty, though.
@ Lori, I read somewhere that it is Laura Mercier's “signature” almond coconut scent. Don't know what else it's in, but apparently some peeps love it. It's way more potent than, say, a Banana Boat smell. I don't mind smelling like the beach if I'm going to be at the beach. But not at church! And also, the whole sweating off the body part is a bit of a problem.
@ Rachel, perhaps you can join Megan and me in a “bringing pasty back” campaign.
@ Britt, you, too. Once you stop hiding in the azaleas.
LOL!!! All I can think about is rum now also Angie! Thanks, like I really needed the push.
I think I'll take pale and drunk any day (-:
Thanks so much for coming over and hanging out with me today!!
I like it here too. Mind if I pull up a chair and stay awhile…might not be able to get rid of me though (-:
When i get airbrushed i wear shorts and a loose t-shirt home, sans bra and i do put a towel down on my leather car seat. i usually do this on a day when i take off from work and don't have to be anywhere or around anyone for awhile. truth be told, i usually go home and do some light housework in a thong and flip flops while my tan 'cures'. you can take a shower several hours later and the excess rinses off. the results really are quite good, incredigly even, and it lasts about 4 days. although going in a pool will have it fade much quicker.
the Neutogena really is great too. good luck!
UGHHH Disaster! A big fat F for sure. If anything, this story made me LOL!
@ Saucy– all that work and it only lasts 4 days?!? Perhaps this is not the option for me, as I would want to do it before going on vacay, which would definitely involve a pool.
Gals, we must bring pasty back! Pale is beautiful, right? We could call it the Twilight Movement. My only problem is that cellulite looks so much better tan …
@ Christina, thanks for reading. I really enjoyed looking around your blog yesterday, and I'm glad this gave you a laugh.
So funny! I love that! I, too, am of “fairer” complexion, but self-tanners usually make me kind of orange/yellow. But, I do like the 30 second spray tan that dries in a few minutes. Laura Mercier is expensive, so I hope you are taking that crap back!
@ Lo, I am most certainly taking it back!!!! And I will be providing them with a vivid (verbal) description of why this product sucks. Not that I'm under the illusion they'll care, but still. It'll make me feel better about that trip to the mall.
Tell me more about the spray tan. Do you have problems with the smell? And does it make you look splotchy around the ankles or hairline?
I go to Darque Tan and I really like it. It doesn't smell too bad. I mean, it's not fabulous or anything but it's fine. It will rub off a little around your neckline and waist but it washes right out of your clothes (but I would say don't wear your favorite white top or anything.) Also, I recommend going one to two days BEFORE you want to show off your new self. It keeps “activating” throughout the day and you can't shower until the next day. Also – shave before you go and be sure to use a loofah on your ankles, knees and elbows because it will sometimes look darker on dryer areas.
I'm scared to death to try those self-tanners for this very reason! I KNOW that however closely I follow the instructions, I'll turn into a great orange blob. Oh you poor girl!
Oh man, that's funny. I have ivory skin that burns so I've tried those sunless tanners, too. I have yet to find one that DOESN'T rub off on clothes. Ew.
I always say I am so white I am blue…
I hate trying to find something to look tan without the sun! All the self-tanners make you stink.
The one I used this week is the least offensive. It was nuetrogena.
Pasty is the new fabulous! I use the Sally Hansen airbrush legs (basically makeup), and I love it. I'm not bronze, but at least it cuts the glare.
Yes! Pasty is the new fabulous. I like it. I'm going to adopt it as my mantra. Thank you, Traci!
I'm a preacher's kid, so I know very well the horrors of wardrobe (or bronzer) failures at church. This was hilarious!
Hee hee!
I am also white and freckly. And for a short period of time a long time ago, I investigated self-tanners. It did not go well.
At all.
But none of my stories compare to yours for awesome humiliation and stinkiness.
Hee hee!