The other day I was in the mall when a miracle happened. I found two bathing suits that I really liked. Not just on the hanger, but on my body. Two suits in which I would be comfortable walking out on the beach or by the pool.
Two suits that, combined, ran approximately $280.
This is normal for swimsuit-land, but not for my wallet. If I’m spending $280 on something, I’d like it to be a cocktail dress, a really nice handbag, or something I’ll use for more than a couple of days each summer. Of course, one’s self esteem is never more fragile than those few hours one is wedged into the least fabric it is ever deemed decent to wear in public, so perhaps a premium for comfort of mind as well as body is appropriate.
Then again, maybe not.
My doubts led me to Marshall’s, where I found three more acceptable swimsuits. Each of them has a check or two on the “con” list, but all three of them combined were cheaper than the bottom half of one mall tankini.
Naturally, I turned to my husband for advice about which suits to keep. I told him we were having a fashion show, and that I desperately needed his input. (Note to self: next time this happens, force him to at least mute the NBA game on the TV).
So I put on all five swimsuits. Just so you can get a mental picture:
- A Kenneth Cole Reaction tankini in turquoise, with a ruched skirted bottom and halter top with ruffles and tons of cleavage.
- A Kenneth Cole Reaction tankini in a blue, turquoise, and white print, with a ruched skirted bottom and bandeau tankini top with ruching down the sides. Numbers 1 and 2 can be mixed and matched.
- Becca tankini with bandeau tankini top, halter tie, floral print. Bottom is a skirted bottom, but much shorter than #s 1 and 2. To be honest, the suit is probably a bit on the small side, but it’s designer and I got it super-cheap, and hubby seemed to like it.
- DKNY retro one-piece, heavily ruched to look like something Marilyn Monroe would have worn back in the day. Depending on how you pull the ruching, it can be the length of a (very short) cocktail dress, or the length of a semi-skirted bottom. The top has a halter strap. The big con is that the suit is off-white. It seems pretty heavily lined, but still, it’s basically white. But again, this is a $125 suit I snagged for $29.
- Green tankini with white polka dots. Bottom has lots of coverage and side ties, top has small bow in center and white straps. Cost a whopping $16 and the material feels like burlap’s second cousin. However, it looks really cute.
Hubby watched me try on all the suits and then proceeded to have virtually no opinion as to which suits I should keep and which I should take back. He did say they all looked good and it was up to me.
Maybe it’s because I’m hormonal, but if I go through the anguish of bathing suit shopping two separate times and manage to find FIVE suits that are even contenders, and then take the time to put on said suits, scratchy tags, hygienic film and all, at 11 pm on a school night … if I do all that, I damn well want some feedback.
“That’s great you like them all,” I said. “But which ones make you want to jump me?”
“They all do. I told you, I like them all,” he said.
“So which ones should I keep?” I asked.
“Honey, you look great in all of them, and they’re all so different. I can’t tell you which ones to keep.”
“So you don’t care?”
“No, I just like them all.”
“But, in terms of a hotness scale, with the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue on one end and the Land’s End catalogue on the other, where would you rank them?”
“You’re asking me if they make you look like Brooklyn Decker?” he asked.
“No! I’m well aware I look nothing like Brooklyn Decker. I just want to know which of them makes me look attractive to you.”
“They all do. But you know what is not attractive? A woman asking the same question over and over and over when I’ve been trying to answer it for fifteen minutes.”
“But you haven’t answered it at all! I just want to know which ones you like the best!”
“I said they all look equally great and flattering and that I can’t really differentiate based on hotness, that I like them all. And you said, ‘Ok, so you hate them all.’”
“No, I said, ‘Ok, so you don’t care.’”
“It’s like freaking babelfish.com! I say something in English, and it comes out of you in Woman!”
“What?”
“I’m not talking any more.”
“That’s not healthy. What is babelfish? And you didn’t answer the question! Is this just because they all look so different that I’m basically asking you to compare bananas to kiwis?”
“Babelfish.com. It’s like where you go to enter text to translate from like, Hindi to Mandarin.”
“And Woman is a language option?”
“It is in your world.”
Huh. Men really are from Mars. This morning, I figured it out, though. I should have been more specific, “Honey, which of these suits makes the girls look the biggest and perkiest and my buns look the smallest?”
I said this to hubs, and he said, “You didn’t ask me that! You asked me which ones looked the best!”
I am dumbfounded. Could ridiculously specific specification solve the communications gap between Mars and Venus? Note to self: in future, word all inquires to lawyer hubby as if writing a discovery request. That’s the language he speaks.
Post script:
This morning over coffee, I showed this post to my husband and asked for his reaction.
His response? “Celtics won. Looks like they might sweep the series.”
AHHH!!! I loved this. I am crushing so hard on your blog! This totally sounds like a conversation I would have with my husband. I don't think he would care which suit I picked either!!! And he rarely reads my posts anymore anyway…I'd have to sit him down and make him do it, and then I'd probably get the same reaction!!
Lol. Your post script is the best. For what it's worth, I'd nix the one piece only for the fact that it's a pain when you have to pee.
@ Mommyologist, aww, you're making me blush! Thanks for the compliment.
@ Saucy, you're right. I should definitely nix the one piece. It's also white.
Any other advice on what to keep/what to return? If I'm returning either of the first two, it has to be by tomorrow. Eeeek!
Tell Mark that if he doesn't pick one, he's not getting ANY.
As for speaking woman, we just had a similar lost in translation here. I'd had both boys alone all day. Ben came in and I said, with all the energy I had left, “take one and get out of my face.” He took the newborn. Clearly what I said in woman was, “Take the toddler because he's driving me fucking nuts and the newborn is sleeping!” Men.
Keep 1 & 2, flaunt the girls (tastefully, of course) and strut your stuff. It's worth the price to look great and be comfortable at the beach.
Oh no, a white bathing suit can only mean trouble…take that one back for sure!
I'm sorry for laughing as I read the conversation between you and your husband, only because I can totally see myself having the same conversation with my husband.
Okay, you are awesome! So glad you found my blog and now I have discovered yours. You are on my mandatory reading list. Perhaps it's because I could have written this post with the same visuals. “feels like burlap,” classic. And, you are a horse person to boot. We need to at least have virtual coffee one of these days.
This post is particularly fabulous – one of my favorites thus far. And you know what it reminds me of, for some reason? Gin and tonic and BJD, read aloud.
Also, I'd keep 1, 2 and 5 – those are more your colors, and I think 3 sounds fussy and 4 sounds see-through if (when) it gets wet.
Funny! And for the record, who DOES look like Brooklyn Decker? My rule has always been that if you find a bathing suit that makes you look great, you buy it. Get all of them.