Writer’s workshop prompt #3: Who are you giving a timeout to?
She is in trouble. Big time. Forget timeout, we’re talking about permanent banishment and exile. I’ve put up with her mess for far too long. I’ve lost too many years to her criticisms and longings to be something that I’m not, and as of this week, enough. I’m done. She is out of my life. And this time, I mean it.
But it’s not that easy. I know, because I’ve been through this countless times.
“She” is me. She’s the part of me that looks in the mirror and sees a water buffalo. She’s the part of me that makes every bite I take feel like failure, a surrender to my cravings. I heard someone talking about how many calories a person needs per day to live, and realized that She had completely obliterated from my mind the idea of food as a necessity. In She-world, food is Public Enemy Number One, and the idea that it is required to sustain life is completely alien.
She came to be at an early age, raised on a steady diet of pop culture, fashion magazines, and despair at the blossoming of my athletic adolescent body into a classic curvy hourglass.
She knows my body, studies it like a map. She can give you the latitude and longitude of all my stretch marks and scars. She knows where the skin isn’t tight, and She berates me. Why am I too lazy to stop eating and run marathons? If I had any self respect at all, I’d look like Kate Moss instead of Lizzie Miller.
She hangs out in my closet and loves to taunt me with dresses I can’t bear to part with, but will never fit my post-baby body.
On the many previous occasions I’ve vowed to exile this poisonous She, to get her out of my head and my life, it’s been because I am tired of feeling bad about myself. Now, I have a different, more urgent reason.
That reason is my daughter. This week, my baby girl made me realize that I have to do everything in my power to get She out of here. You see, my daughter got a new swimsuit, a darling yellow one piece with ruffles on the bottom. When I brought it home for her to try, she was simply ecstatic. The suit was such a hit that she wore it all day. Watching her chubby legs as she pranced around the house, I saw that she doesn’t have her own She.
Yet.
My little girl is unselfconscious, completely at home in her own skin, thinking about her body only in terms of what it can do, not how it looks.
And I desperately want her to stay that way. If she’s going to have any chance at all, her mommy can’t be held hostage by She demons. Even at the age of three, it wouldn’t take my daughter long to pick up on the fact that Mommy harbors a long-standing poisonous well of hate directed at her own body.
So I am renewing my vows to no longer tolerate her emotional abuse, the insults that cut to the bone, the sideways glances, backhanded compliments, or her constant whispered stream of poisonous drivel.
I will not welcome her back home after a week’s exile, no matter what kind of pretty pictures she paints, no matter what promises she makes, no matter how much she tells me I need her. And if she does slip in unnoticed, I’m going to throw her right back out.
It’s not about me anymore. If I want my daughter to have a healthy body image, to spend her college years eagerly reaching for a bikini when someone invites her to the pool instead of cowering in the shade refusing to take off her shorts, if I want her to use her math prowess to take calculus instead of counting calories and points, if I want her to love herself and deem herself worthy of being loved by someone else for who she is rather than who she could be if she were only 10 pounds lighter, then I have to show her how it’s done. Like it or not, I am my daughter’s example.
For years, I’ve been trying to make peace with my body for my own sake. I talk a good game, but inside, She still rules the day, tearing at my confidence with constant criticism and never-ending negativity.
She needs a good, long, timeout. I’ve not been able to do it for me, but, God willing, perhaps I can do it for my daughter.
It would be the greatest gift I could give her.
WOW this is such a great writing! I am loving every words! Although I don't have a daugther I do have my 'she devil' and plenty of times I can't stand the mirror. Kudos to you for fighting with 'her' so your baby girl will grow up with a healthy body image and I wish you well! I really love this post!
Wow! Very beautifully written! May I recommend something? On this website http://www.flylady.net there is a book called Body Clutter. Based on the language and perspective you've presented here, I think you might like it!
Visiting from Mama Kat's….
@ MissMom2U, I am actually a member of the flylady community, though the emails were starting to stress me out, so I've unsubscribed. That's so funny you brought it up. I've seen all the positive reviews about Body Clutter, but haven't read it. Now might be a good time to look into it, though. Thanks so much for the suggestion!
@ Maureen, thank you for the compliment! Seeing my little girl run around like that, so happy in her body, it made something in my head click. I really hope I'll be able to make peace with my body (which is not horrible, btw, just not Kate Moss-ish) and focus on health rather than appearance.
You will do your daughter a HUGE favor if you are succesful in banishing She. As someone who had exercise anorexia in college and at one point existed on 800 calories a day, I can tell you that you can never compliment her too much. Make sure your husband does too. It's important for a girl to have positive reinforment from her dad.
Very powerful!
SO true!
Here here, sister. I have one of those jerkish “she”s myself. The other day my four year old daughter didn't want to wear a favorite article of clothing because she thought “everyone will laugh at me.” Nearly broke my heart into a million pieces.
Incredible writing! So, so, so true. I have been thinking the same thing since I have little girls now. Let's do it together
All true. Every word.
What a beautiful post. I recognize She – I fight her daily. Felt like I was winning for awhile but she has started whispering to me again. I keep fighting the good fight for my two girls. We'll get there – that love is bigger than the self hate.
Thank you for all the kind comments. I hate to hear that you gals have you own Shes, but honestly, I can't imagine many women growing up in our culture and not ending up with a self-deprecating voice-over on a loop in their heads.
Do any of you have older daughters? I'd love any and all advice on the subject. I need to re-read Reviving Ophelia, but I can't remember how much of it deals with body image.
Wow, that was very moving. I also have struggled my whole life to have a normal relationship with my body and with food. Very well written.
Visiting from mamakat's…
This is absolutely beautifully written. How transparent of you to share a struggle that every woman in the world (well, mostly) has dealt with at some point. Boot her out, I say – your daughter has the spirit!
Very well written!
Awesome post!! This goes along really well with my post today. I am giving everyone a challenge not to make one negative comment about the way they look over Memorial Day weekend. Looks like you are already on the bandwagon!!
My daughters are 8 and 1. I am surprised how much my oldest already faces. We put the emphasis on staying active and eating more healthy than unhealthy food. I refuse to say the word diet in front of her and I try to set a good example. I don't make foods off limits just try to manage portion and frequency.
The variable I never counted on? Her friends and their mothers! Perfectly beautiful women walking around talking about the 10 lbs they need to drop from their size 6 frame – ugh.
You go girlfriend! Good luck with that. I think we all have those awful “she” personalities within us that just look to sabotage our happiness. I am always trying to let the negative stuff go. But, it's tough. Part of living in our society. I think you might like my most recent post.
What an awesome post! You are so right about everything you said. We must learn to quiet that inner demon that constantly whispers we're not tall enough, thin enough, pretty enough…you name it. We must do it for ourselves and our daughters. Well said!
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment on my Writer's Workshop post. Have a great weekend.
Kristi, Live and Love…Out Loud
@TweetingMama
For as long as I can remember I have thought “don't drink your calories”. This comes from my mom and is why I don't get enough calcium.
But I can't for the life of me remember when it started. I think maybe forever ago. Weird.
I love this. It is so very very true. We are our own worst enemy!
And in answer to your question on my blog… I graduated in 2001, but I was on the 5 year plan so I should have graduated in 2000! Small world!
What a wonderful post. You are an amazing writer, and a mom to be able to reflect on those kinds of things. I don't think we realize how much we affect our children by what we say about ourselves.
A huge hug to you! I love it…outstanding!
Yes yes yes. This is the #1 reason I am banishing my own She. My baby girl (and big boy) don't deserve to carry that critic without them throughout their lives.
This is such a terrible thing for us women. As a former anorexic and also a queen size woman, I know what you talk about. I use humor to discuss these same issues, but the truth is still right there. This is a wonderful blog. Thanks for finding me on twitter! molly
Hear! Hear! What a great post!
Wow, Angie! Very strong and honest post. I'm sorry you have felt the way you have, but have a tremendous amount of respect for you changing that, especially for your daughter.
Tell that “She” to fuck off! You look amazing Angie!!
I hate that girls somehow transform from lovely free-spirited and confident children to anxious, self-hating women. I don't know exactly how that happens. I do my share of self-critique, but I also try really hard to overcome my fears and just live my life.
Because I want, more than anything in the world, for my daughters to be able to live their lives.
Without “Her.”
Wish me luck.
Yes, absolutely! So hard to do! Be kind to yourself. Only kindness makes sense.
Ugh – those dreaded “she's” about anything.
Peace to her as she disappears!
I love this post. So much of what you've said here really resonates with my lived experiences. Isn't it amazing how fucked up it all can become? So very glad that we've found one another. xoxo.