Dear new moms of twins,
I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. And my twins are three and a half.
I would like to tell you that after all the night feedings and spit-up cease, things become a cinch, but I promised my readers that I would give them things straight up.
So, straight up it is. You may want to sit down.
Motherhood is hard. And for me, it is not getting easier as the kids get older. It’s just morphing into a different type of hard.
Before you brand me a wimp, let me tell you that I am actually quite capable, intelligent, up for a challenge, and resilient. I made it through law school, passed the bar exam, practiced corporate law, jumped out of an airplane, scuba dived on the wreck of an iron-side steamer in 100 feet of water, went parasailing, endured the loss of both my grandfathers and my father to prostate cancer, got through the medical scare of a lifetime after finding out that my brain harbors a small tumor, then weathered a traumatic pregnancy and birth only to end up with postpartum depression. (Full disclosure: I got through all this, but with the help of my good friend Sam the pharmacist. Better living through chemistry, I always say.)
There’s no way to be ready for parenthood. It’s not an experience for which you could adequately prepare, no matter how much time you had. I hope you’re one of those new moms who exists in a blissful state of pink-tinged cloudy happiness, and if you are, I’m thrilled for you. But if you’re not, know that you’re not alone. Even if your friends don’t talk about it, they have days where they sit and cry for no reason. Some of them hate nursing but feel like they can’t stop without being branded a bad mother. Some of them hate nursing but feel like they can’t stop because it’s the only reason they’ve lost weight. They panic and think they’re pregnant again, rushing out to the drugstore to buy a test, then berate themselves when, after peeing all over their hands, they remember that they may not have actually had sex since their last period. How do I know this? I’ve talked to a LOT of new moms. When you ask how they’re doing and take the trouble to get past “fine,” you realize that the experience is hard for everyone.
You’re not the only one who:
- Wonders at the end of the day whether you remembered to brush your teeth.
- Goes out in public with Desitin smeared on your shirt.
- Needs a shower but would rather nap.
- Looks at your cracked, bleeding nipples and wonders if it’s worth it.
- Sees your preemie newborns and thinks, “Ugh. My babies look like aliens!”
- Stood up in the hospital and had a gush of blood ruin your slippers.
- Wonders, while holding your screaming, feverish child in a tepid bath at 2:30 in the morning, why you decided to procreate.
- Falls asleep pumping.
- Feels like a dairy cow.
Some tips and general things to know:
- Crying is ok. If they’re crying, they’re not dying of SIDS.
- If you don’t already drink alcohol, consider starting. If you already enjoy the good grape, consider moving up to hard liquor.
- Understand that you’re going to feel incredibly isolated for the first year or so. Not only is it hard to get around with twins, but most of your friends will not have twins. Every time you relate a particularly horrible parenting experience, they’ll sigh and say, “But you had twins!” As if you didn’t know.
- Learn to accept help, even when that help is doing your laundry and making fun of the condition of your delicates. Accept help even when the help is doubled over laughing at your husband’s boxer shorts.
- With help comes less privacy (see above). Best to get used to it now. You won’t be able to go to the bathroom alone for several years.
- You do NOT have to breastfeed. If you have to supplement with formula, or for some reason cannot, or choose not to nurse, it’s ok. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re letting your children down.
- More than likely, you’re not going to see your “old” body again. And it will take about a year to feel remotely normal.
- Any time you have an option, go for what makes life easier, even if it isn’t what you’d envisioned pre-twins. For example, if you always pictured yourself as the cool mom in the SUV, consider that a minivan, while less cool, will make your life significantly easier, and thus happier.
- If you don’t already have a dog, get one, if for no other reason than to avoid having to sweep and mop under the kitchen table three times a day. But also because your dog is infinitely more likely to obey you, unconditionally love you, and greet you with enthusiasm than are your own offspring.
- But don’t take the easy way out. Take the kids to church, even if they do get sick every time they’re in the nursery. They need it, and so do you.
- Pray with your kids, even when it’s the last thing you feel like doing. Introduce them to God so he’ll know who they are when you complain about them.
- Don’t avoid discipline because it’s inconvenient. Someone once told me, with kids, “it’s pay now or pay later.” Truer words were never spoken.
- Remember that your job is not to be their friend, but their mother.
And yes, it is worth it. Even on a day like today, when my kids have pestered me with the same questions time and time again, when they’ve thrown tantrums, screamed and refused to go down for a nap without a fight, even on the days when someone vomits on my shoes and pees on the bathroom floor.
It’s worth it. Someday you’re going to find yourself engulfed in a huge toddler hug, and a little voice will whisper, “Mommy, I love you.” And you’ll know what I mean.
Love,
Angie
Oh Angie, I think I love you! This is such a well-written post, filled with lots of raw emotion and honesty. I think every new mom of twins should read this…you should seriously consider submitting this to Twins Magazine (I know of a woman who writes for the magazine..let me know if you're interested and I'll put you in touch with her!)
I wish so much someone had told me the same things before I had my twins (both sets!) Thank you for sharing this brutally honest, yet humorous bit on twin motherhood!!
twins…id love to have them though maybe after this i should reconsiudeer
thanks for sharing and passing by
Wow, Helene, thank you so much!!! You've seriously just made my day.
I'd love to get in touch with your friend–ok if I email you at the address in your blogger profile?
LOVE THIS! I am so excited to have a new cyber-friend/fellow SAHL!
Thanks, Lo! (And I promise, I could spell your full name. I'm just being lazy.
LOVED your post on baby names, btw. We have a lot in common!)
Great. Just great. I now have a whole new understanding. Exhausted and overcome with wine-lust doesn't even begin to describe it.
Oh my stars. What a spot on commentary on what to expect as a parent of twins.
I was nodding my head every sentence.
If it makes you feel any better, my twins at 3.5 were at their most mischievous, I think. They still get into trouble, but I think that now that they are almost 4.5 they don't act quite so impetuously.
Thanks for the post,SO HELPFUL!
Happy Mother's Day!
Love it my dear…just love it!
this is such an inspiring post! i can't wait to get preggy now (maybe i already am 😛 )
pssst. dont forget to enter the PINK LADY GIVEAWAY at http://onestylemile.blogspot.com/
have a lovely weekend!
Persis.
You write really well. This was so heartfelt!
I don't have twins and I can relate to most of that
Happy Saturday Sharefest and thanks for visiting me today!
This is SUCH SUCH SUCH an awesome post!! If there were more mothers out there who were honest like you, then we'd have a lot less women sitting on their couch in tears and wondering what the hell happened to their lives. I am tweeting this post I loved it so much!!
I am right with the Mommyoligist…what a great post! Finally saying what some of us have been wanting to say. Everyday being a mother is not rainbows in unicorns..infact there is just glimpses of rainbows and unicorns. Thanks for being so honest and heart felt.
Your newest follower!
Oh, wow, thanks so much!!! Mommyologist, you've made my day.
So far I've stayed off twitter, but I'm wondering if I'm going to have to learn. Eeek!
Thanks, Jenny! So psyched to have you as a follower!
BTW, I have yet to see rainbows and unicorns. Scratch that, I've seen a rainbow. Definitely no unicorns, though. But believe me, I will post about it the day that happens!!!
Love your honesty! I don't have twins, but I did have 3 boys in the span of less than 3.5 years, so I can relate to a lot of this.
I'm following your blog now.
I'm dying laughing at the if you don't drink start, and if you go for the grape grab something harder. Just like Shell I had 3 boys in 3 1/2 years. We feel your pain.
I'm following you!
Just stopping in to say thanks for coming by on my SITS day and making it so memorable. Your time and words mean the world to me.
Lots of yummy love,
Alex aka Ma What's For Dinner
http://www.mawhats4dinner.com
Wow – love reading your blogs – you are very gifted. I too feel like I am writing it as I read it. And then let me say…stay tuned for 4 years old!!! It is even better…and crazier…and more wonderful…and sad…and happy…and all of those things. You go momma!!!!
New to your blog a couple of weeks ago and catching up on some of your archives. I so appreciate ALL you wrote in this. No, I didn't have twins, only one and at 4 months old got hit with, “See ya, don't want to be married anymore.” Learned to ask for and accept help. Ran to church and haven't left since. All you wrote is so true. How do I know? All that happened to me 21 years ago. He turned out to be a wonderful human being! Of course, now I'm trying to figure out who I am?!
Love your forthright stance. So appreciated.
Ciao!
Guerrina in CT
Intro-ed to your blog by friend (I think attends the same church?).
I have twins. I'm tired. I don't laugh a whole lot. This made me nod and chuckle. Thank you!