Writer’s workshop prompt: What was your medicine? Write about a time you remember being ill.
What was my medicine? The better question would be, what wasn’t my medicine. At some point during each visit with a new doctor, the nurse taking my history usually asks me what I do in the medical field. Nothing, I tell her, I’ve just taken a whole lot o’ drugs.
When it comes to medical luck, I have none. Or rather, I have tons, it’s just all bad. If it can happen, it happens to me. Whenever I’m in the office, my OB eyes me warily, looks sideways at my 6 inch thick chart, and says, “Well, normally I wouldn’t worry about it, but since it’s you … I think we should do an ultrasound, some blood work …”
It’s to the point of ridiculousness. Really, it is.
As in, I’m resistant to anesthetic. Telling doctors you’re resistant to anesthetic, anesthesia and pain meds in general is not a fun thing to do. They hear your words and immediately label you “junkie.” Or, if they’re particularly kind, “wimp.” Before my c-section, I tried to explain to the anesthesiologist that pain meds just don’t last on me. Oh, the patronizing look in his eyes as he explained to me that the spinal he was going to administer would be enough to numb me for two and half times the length of the surgery.
Oh, how I wish he’d still been in the OR when the spinal wore off. Yes, you read that correctly. My spinal wore off during my c-section. Once the nurses figured out that yes, my skyrocketing blood pressure meant that I wasn’t faking, that I really was in excruciating pain, they began to administer morphine. Lots of morphine. Which is how I ended up with an ileus. (Google at your own risk.)
I told this story to a physician friend of mine, who looked at me, incredulously, and said, “Nobody gets an ileus after a c-section! You would be my nightmare patient!”
If I could do math, it would be great fun to figure out what number I am in a million. After my recent surgery to fix the abdominal muscles the twins ripped apart while in the womb, I had horrible complications from the general anesthesia. My surgeon told me I was in the 1% of the population to have these complications. Then, I started to accumulate pockets of fluid around the surgical site, which had to be drained no less than four times. My surgeon told me I was in the 2% of the population to have this particular complication.
Seriously, I don’t know how to do the math, but that tells me I should be buying lottery tickets.
Over the years, migraine headaches, a small brain tumor, four shoulder surgeries, and a host of other maladies have led me to exchange one of those 80’s BFF pendants with my pharmacist, Sam.
But my medicine is not limited to what’s on Sam’s shelves. If it’s out there, I’ve tried it. Massage therapy is delicious and effective, therefore insurance won’t cover it. They will, however, cover acupuncture. Blue Cross logic escapes me. As do the mechanics of acupuncture. I only know that the first time I tried it, the acupuncturist had only put in about three needles when my body felt like it had been strung up on a power line. I was burning hot, sweating like crazy, and I almost vomited on his shoes. He stood back, awestruck, and said, “I’ve never seen anyone react to acupuncture like this before. You must have had a major blockage in your energy flow.”
Then there was my experiment with hypnosis. It was very relaxing, and I learned how to self-hypnotize, which has been useful. But the hypnotist shot her credibility all to hell when she tried to get me to try her version of biofeedback, which was “based on quantum physics” and involved a machine that could tell you everything about your body, including where you might have imbalances or cancer. I’m thinking that if this were anything but quackery, it would be at the Mayo Clinic and all over CNN. The best part was when she told me each of us has the equivalent of a unique radio signal, and that once she’s acquired it, she can treat a person from as far away as necessary, by dialing into their unique frequency, using (natch) quantum physics.
She knew I was a lawyer and not a physicist, but I couldn’t resist confronting this obvious quackery. I started asking her questions about how her magic machine worked. It was obvious that her clients don’t often ask questions. She stuttered a few explanations, littered with big, impressive sounding words, and ended with, “but it’s all about quantum physics, so I can’t really explain it since you don’t know quantum physics.”
Forgive me, Lord, but I had to do it. I said, “Oh, I took all kinds of physics in college when I was thinking about going to med school. Loved my quantum physics course. So tell me how this thing works?”
And suddenly, we were out of time.
My health issues have also prompted me to try meditation classes, which I loved, but the practice has been hard to keep up. You can’t see well with your inner eye when your inner ear is being bombarded with “MOMMY! He just hit me!”
And then there’s the physical therapy. Oh, the PT. And the TENS unit. And the look on my dentist’s face when my incessant tooth-grinding cracked my new Kevlar nightguard, and the even more despairing look a few months later when he figured out I’d cracked an actual tooth while wearing my new (stronger) nightguard.
However, the doc at the pain clinic has me figured out. Each time he sees me to administer my trigger point injections, he says, “You have too much stress! This would all be better if you could just get a Type B personality.”
Anybody know where I can pick one of those up?
I'm glad you have a firm grasp on quantum physics when statistics have you stumped. Did this machine take quarters? I loved that you called her out. I wish you would have been with me when I was seduced by the scientifically proven lipids in my $50 backside firming cream.
Poppy, my grasp on quantum physics is about as far from firm as you can get. My grasp on calling out BS, however, is pretty darn good. (The only science class I took in college was Geology, a.k.a. “Rocks for Jocks.”)
And no, the machine didn't take quarters. I did, however, spot a small man behind a curtain in the corner of the room, but I paid him no attention.
Over from Mama Kat's
I suggest alchemy.
Or lots of strong drinks!
Way to go on calling out that hypnotist. Wish I had your guts, but I'm wimpy to do that (although in my head I'd be calling her out)!
I can't believe your life….!
I read this with my mouth hanging open. My goodness! You've intrigued me for sure, now I'm off to Google ileus. Hmmm. Thanks for stopping by my writer's workshop prompt!
Omg I can't tell you how many times I cringed while reading that. Especially about your c-section! You poor thing. Here's to the odds being in YOUR favor from here on out!
Because I'm weird like that, I've gotta go Google ileus. It's probably better that I don't but I'm gonna anyways!
I cannot believe that you could feel your c-section! My heart goes out to you because I don't even want to imagine that kind of pain…
Holy smokes Mama!! I would be so scared to be you…I mean what if you get in an accident or something? Yikes!
OMG! I can't do math either (that's why I went to law school), but I'm considering asking one of my economic expert witnesses to find out what number in a million you are!
Sorry, didn't mean to freak you guys out. Now, if I really wanted to freak you guys out … *chortle* I could tell you even more stuff, but I think I'll just leave it at that. If it's going to happen to anybody, it's usually me. And I'm trying to be ok with that. I really am. There will probably be a post about that later.
@ Mama Kat, I feel as if a celebrity has visited! Wow, thanks for stopping by! The thought of an accident freaks me out, too, so the ICE section of my phone is well stocked, just in case. But as you can tell, brevity isn't my strong suit, so the paramedics would most likely throw my phone in the nearest ditch.
@ Katie, it was kind of fun to call out the hypnotist.
Over from Mama kat's. All I can say is WOW… So sorry you've had so many health issues. Have you ever tried colloidal silver. Don't know if it would help anything but don't see where it would hurt either.
I think those type B personalities are on back order last time I checked! LOL I can't believe he said that to you.
I just tried auriculotherapy (ear acupuncture) for smoking cessation – and so far, 17 days later, so good. I also felt heat, but it was due to the electrical stimulation applied to my ears, not to some blockage in my energy level.
Have you thought of being on TLCs Mystery Diagnosis or something like that?
My oh my! I am visiting from Mama Kat's and cannot believe your life. Maybe you could go on Oprah and at least make some money to pay for your medical bills. You have a wonderful gift with words… thanks for sharing your post and I hope things start looking a bit better for you health wise.
OMG…I cannot believe your spinal WORE OFF. That is just absolute torture!! And of course, now I have to google ileus. I can't resist!
Oh my Lord, I can't believe your spinal wore off DURING your c-section!! That was one of my biggest fears, which of course didn't happen…I can't even imagine how scared you must have been and how painful it was. Yikes!
Good call on the hypnotist…she was obviously full of BS and you were probably the first and only patient to ever call her out!
I love massage therapy! Yummy! My body does really well with acupuncture though. I wonder why you did have that reaction, it sounds awful. I also did lots of PT, and it helped me. What really helped me was my osteopath though. I dunno maybe it was a mixture. I hope your luck starts getting better!!
I mean this in the nicest way possible; I'm glad I'm not you.
Stopping by from SITS.
Too little and you have a low self esteem due to lack of
self love. Ginger also directs corporate seminars
and community education programs for some of Boston’s most
prestigious organizations including Harvard Law School, Brown Rudnick Berlack Israels Law Firm,
and Fidelity Investments and has been the media spokesperson and
fashion expert for Rowenta, Inc. Because transgender people are often targets
of attack, Chief Deputy Gregory says when it’s possible, ‘They put them in smaller,
maybe two person cells ‘ we try to put them together as long as it is safe for all of
them together.